Thursday, November 6

ACC Week 11 Games: Whirlpool of Shit

(Disclaimer: rooting for any ACC team other than Georgia Tech or Duke is un-American. Since we only have another couple of months to say this, might as well get it out while we still can – TERRORIST!)

So there are a total of five teams in the ACC that don’t have two losses in-conference: Maryland, Clemson, Boston College, NC State, and Duke. Quick, which one of those teams has less than one loss? Admit it, you had to think about it. You wonder why I think this conference sucks goat rocks – well, now you know.

Virginia Tech v. Maryland

This should be …well, pretty idiotic. On one hand, Virginia Tech will be lucky if Sean Glennon plays a snap; they’re rolling out converted “QB” Cory Holt under center, with a backup TE serving as the emergency holy fuck we’re toast please don’t kill us too badly QB. They’ll be running an offense that would be one-dimensional if they’re lucky; really, they’re something less than a point. On the other hand, Maryland’s ranked and playing in a game they should win. Call it a draw. The Whirlpool of Suck calls for Virginia Tech to lose, increasing the number of three-loss conference teams; on the other hand, the Maryland Black Hole theory recognizes that Virginia Tech has no talent on offense and thus will allow over 30 points.

Boston College v. Notre Dame

JIMMAH! There’s no reason – god help us all – the Fighting Irish shouldn’t roll in this game; on the other hand, they’re coming damn close to ACC stupidity and Boston College hasn’t lost a non-conference game this season. (Ignore their non-conference slate has all the quality of warm poo.) BC’s fortunately already at three conference losses, so they’ll look a lot better by comparison next week regardless of what happens here.

Duke v. NC State

Look, someone’s gotta play at 12 PM on Raycom, and why not these guys? Both of these teams are already past the two-loss threshold, although an NC State loss would help to continue the conference’s pull towards the center, as five teams are going to lose a conference game this week. Pull for the Blue Devils and keep the whirlpool going. (Actually, in a mild shock, this game isn’t on Raycom. I had figured this was going to be a pile of shit the likes of which public access ACC football couldn’t avoid.)

Wake Forest v. Virginia

The wheels have fallen off at Wake, although that really implies the wheels were ever on at some point, which is flagrant and obvious bullshit. Sorry about that. Of course, Virginia just fucking blew it against Miami of all teams, so it’s not like we can count on them to do anything either. Someone’s going to get their third loss, and the team that doesn’t fuck it up will probably back into leading their division. People will think that means one of these teams is good. People are morons.

Florida State v. Clemson

Man, this game would’ve been a whole hell of a lot more fun if Tommy Bowden was still under fire. Would Bobby willingly put the ax to Tommy and move closer to having a shot at a bowl game much better than FSU deserves? Of course, Tommy went and fucked it up, so might as well take Clemson to roll comfortably here, since they’re in such disarray they have no business winning this game. Dabo Sweeney will call for an orange-out, even though the game’s on the road. If Clemson wins this, FSU picks up their third conference loss (which means maybe people will finally stop ranking this team – they beat TWO 1-AA teams. That’s why their record’s decent, pollsters.)

North Carolina v. Georgia Tech

Here we are – the two teams in the ACC that actually don’t look like rabid ass most of the time. I wouldn’t go so far as to call this a good game, but it might be decent. Of course, since it might actually be a decent game it’s on at 12 PM and is now a Raycom special. This means 7-3 awesomeness and a questioning of why the fuck we rank any teams in this terrible conference. On the plus side, someone’s guaranteed to pick up a third conference loss.