Tuesday, December 30

The Music City Bowl: Shitbox of the South

So apparently this is the 11th Motor City Bowl in history. Didn't expect that; I also didn't expect that the SEC is a robust 3-6 in this bowl - although that began with a wonderful 0-5 streak. Presumably they rotated the teams around so the mismatches weren't as flagrant after that. Don't quote me on it, though.


Vandy might be the team that backed into a bowl the hardest - which is pretty impressive, you have to admit. After opening the season 5-0, Vandy suddenly realized they're ...well, commies, and promptly gave back everything they had taken from their opponents to the tune of 1-6 over their last 7 games. Like true Commies, they ended the season exactly how they started, with nothing beyond what they entered with - .500. Sure, like a totalitarian regime they took as much as they could at first, but they were forced to give it back by the proletariat.

Let's just skip ahead a bit - Vandy's offense sucks balls. Like the Motherland against anyone who wasn't part of the USSR, the ground game was ineffective against its more stalwart opponents, and the Russian - er, Vanderbilt - air attack is not the stuff legends are made of. Matter of fact, it doesn't exist and you can find no evidence of it. Any evidence is merely a hoax perpetrated against the Great Mother Russia. The ground game, like any true Communist regime, is not a one-man show - it's a two-man show.

The defense is solid and impregnable. Any mention of Vandy allowing nearly 150 yards on the ground per game is merely propaganda designed to blaspheme the Gold Star attack. The stories about the passing defense, its 13/18 TD/INT ratio, and less than 175 yards allowed through the air are all true, though. Supreme Commander D.J. Moore leads the Aerial Assault Squad, and will repel all invaders of its airspace. Mother Nashville will not tolerate failure, and your footballs will be crushed like flabby grapes under the heel of this defensive juggernaut.

The Commies' plan of attack is to allow the pitiful invaders from Boston College to enter their homeland, burning all in their wake. Once the true winter hits, the Eagles will be unable to handle the Vanderbilt attack. Failure is merely a matter of time, not of choice.

Wait, the game's in Tennessee? Shit.

Boston College

And once again, we return to talking about the fucking ACC. This version of an ACC team at least played in the conference championship game, flailing and failing spectacularly in a 30-12 loss (yes, that includes a safety, the official scoring method of ACC games this season). When they weren't getting shut down by Virgina Tech in return games ...again.... they went 9-3. Before you ask, their inexplicable loss was to Clemson, although they get partial credit for losing to a Georgia Tech team that hadn't figured out what the triple option was yet.

Their offense somehow scored 330 points on the season (30 due to INTs, 6 from a fumble return, 12 from punt returns, so 282 on offense - that makes more sense), which was good enough for average in the conference. Their passing game can be nicely construed as "terrible", better in-conference than Sean Glennon and the "fuck the forward pass" game at GT. The running game is better by comparison, but that's also damning with praise so faint it's barely even there.

Like every other damn ACC team, Boston College plays defense and that's about it. Witness the 6(!) defensive touchdowns they've scored on the year, and tremble before their stout rushing defense that's currently 7th in the country. Bottom line, this team basically plays defense and punts.

What'll they have to do to win? Play defense and punt, and force the Commies to return to neutral on their take-aways (currently +6 on the season; no, they probably don't need to force that many turnovers, but it'd be fun if they did).