We open the day fucking cold, which is how you know this shit ain't real. It's USC-Penn State for all the marbles and the brains in Pasadena. James is USC, and Russ drew short straw and gets the zombies.
1st Half
We hit a minor snag early on as we realize that Stan Havili is actually academically ineligible and we remove him from the roster. (This is after he catches a 10-yard pass, of course. Ohio State fans are complaining vigorously.) Of course, after this Sanchez lofts a punt-like INT that's returned for about 30 yards. Penn State gets the ball on their own 46.
Royster busts a big 17-yard gain on PSU's 2nd play from scrimmage - 1st and 10 from the USC 39. PSU converts a 3rd and 4 to move the ball to the USC 21. A 5-yard gain is immediately negated by the zombies forgetting what a play clock is ....and hey look, there's the mercy makeup PI call on Kevin Ellison! 1st and 10 from the USC 13. Three plays later Darrel Evans drops it in for a TD. 7-0 Zombies.
In true Joe McKinght fashion, he fucks around behind the line and gets nailed on a 5-yard loss on the ensuing possession (kickoff was returned to the 35). However, Sanchez partially bails them out of it by baiting the CB up for an 8-yard completion ... but big fucking deal. Incompletion forces a punt.
Screen pass to nowhere for the zombies on 1st down and an incompletion on 2nd .... before throwing up another punt-type INT. Trojans get the ball again.
After a mildly successful McKnight run and a sack, Sanchez launches a 66-yard TD pass to McKinght! 7-7 USC.
PSU returns it out to their 34 - first pass to Mickey Shuler for a 12-yard gain. Two successive runs (Royster, Evans) net about 4 yards. 3rd and 6 results in another pass to Shuler for a 7-yard gain - the Zombies are on the move! Well, never mind - holding penalty, but mitigated by a 15-yard completion to Deon Butler. Next two plays - in true PSU fashion, runs up the middle... and they're going for it on 4th! That almost worked, but getting sacked on the enusing play doesn't mean a whole lot. Oops.
I swear, I can't even start writing about USC's possessions before they turn it over. I guess I forgot to mention that PSU came out in Stanford jerseys. Sanchez must be having flashbacks.
Penn State (BRAAAAINS) nails a nice completion to Deon Butler for a quick first down. After some random mayhem that I'm not paying attention to, Evans passes to Royster for another touchdown. 14-7 Brain Maniacs.
The USC offense at this point consists of Sanchez to McKnight. Seriously. Just rinse, lather, and repeat. Just imagine there's more of them here. Oh shit! Finally! Well, that was a completion to Stafon Johnson. Um...never mind. FG attempt misses. We're at halftime.
2nd Half
PSU has a nice opening kickoff return. 1st play from scrimmage - picked off! As usual with USC, we're just going to assume it's McKnight with the ball. One play .... two plays ... whoa! QB sneak with Sanchez! Okay, back to McKnight ... three plays ... wait, handoff to Stafon Johnson ... four plays ... five plays .... Sanchez sneaks it in! 14-14! I should note that the QB sneak was right by McKnight, so that gets half-credit.
Penn State is dangerously close to ripping wholesale from Tressel, but they're at least getting first downs - and by first downs, I mean first down. Two sacks prety much killed any chance that drive had of working.
McKinght watch is on! One play ... two plays ... three plays ... (seriously, this is as exciting to watch as it is to read about. This shit ain't my fault) ... four plays ... five plays .... wait, he isn't in this play! (incomplete, of course) ... dropsies in the end zone! Fourth down (hint: it's going to McKnight) - completed to McKnight (six plays) for a 15-yard completion ... rush by Stafon Johnson; apparently McKnight was tired, but he's back now ... seven plays ... holy shit! It's a pass play NOT to McKniight! Of course, that results in a 4th down and a 26-yard FG for the Trojans. 17-14.
Penn State rocks a 16-yard run from scrimmage before getting hung up on a 2nd Royster carry and a 3rd Royster carry. By the way, I'd like to take this time to remind readers that there are indeed more than two guys on either team. Don't tell them that, though. PSU actually goes for it on 4th down! However, the conversion is not to be, as Kevin Ellison picks off his 2nd pass of the game.
Did you know that Ellison and McKnight have the same number? I bring this up because it's the ONLY FUCKING THING THEY'RE RUNNING. Jesus. Here we go again. One play ... two plays ... three plays ... QB sneak for a first down only .... four plays ... five plays ... six plays. We can't count higher than that on this drive, since that was a USC TD. 23-14 Trojans - yes, it's not 24-14 because he fucked up the XP. HA! Should've had McKnight kick it.
Derrick Williams! Kick return for a TD! 23-21 Trojans, but the ensuing onside kick goes for naught.
Here we go again. One play ... Stafon Johnson runs for 13! And he runs again! Fuck, McKnight's back in ... two plays .... three plays (well, pass was knocked down at the line of scrimmage, but that shit counts) ... turnover on downs! Should've been to McKnight.
Now PSU has a minute to drive about 45 yards for a game-winning FG! First play to Williams for a first down - on the PSU 48. Turnover! Picked off by Kevin Eillison again.
We'll just assume the remaining plays go to McKnight. (That's a total of [x] plays this drive.) This is also the end of the game - Trojans win, 23-21.
That's a total of 18 carries and 14 receptions for McKnight - out of 45 plays, 32 were to McKnight. You thought I was kidding?
