Friday, September 19

ACC Week 4 Games: Because 500 Words on this Shitty Conference Is Overdoing It

(Disclaimer: prolonged exposure to ACC football will result in you thinking the ACC is comprised of teams with lots of good defenses and not the conference that still likely employs Jeff Bowden as OC at seven different schools. Simultaneously.)

Since I’m pretty much out of witty intros at this point, I’ll save it for the previews except for one thought: how in the blue fuck is Florida fucking State ranked?

Clemson v. South Carolina State
I’m glad to see that Clemson is taking a page from the Florida State Book of Scheduling High-Quality opponents. Although SC State is probably a 5-point favorite over NC State at this point. Expect Clemson to give themselves a degree of difficulty and only run the ball 5 times during the entire game.

Maryland v. Eastern Michigan
Yes, Maryland beat Cal last week. If you think I’m giving them any credit or any respect for that … fuck that noise. EMU by 145. Fucking Terps.

NC State v. East Carolina
This is the third stage in East Carolina’s systematic dominance of the mid-South Atlantic seaboard. Expect NC State to offer more resistance than West Virginia, which is approximately offering more resistance than a wet paper bag.

Boston College v. UCF
This game would’ve been awesome last year. Now? Well, we’re sitting around hoping like hell that we don’t have to watch this shit, because this crapass game might be nicer if there was anyone with, well, talent. If you need us, we’ll be over here getting our colon scoped with a rusty steak knife. Fuck it, we’d rather do that than sit through this shit.

Georgia Tech v. Mississippi State
Games like this should be played back in the 1950’s, except there was that whole segregation thing going on. Um…. Yeah. Maybe we can all imagine it’s like the 1950’s, except 3/4ths of the teams are in blackface.

Miami (FL) @ Texas A&M
This is your Cripple Fight of the week. Just in case you didn’t think the Aggies were quite incompetent enough, we’ll add the Miami Special Olympics offense. Toss in some chronically underused Mike Goodman and stay the fuck away.

Virginia Tech @ North Carolina
Apparently this is the second-best game in the ACC this week. I’ll go toss a working toaster into my bathtub now.

Wake Forest @ Florida State
Ladies and Gentlemen, your Game of the Week! And if you’re actually going to subject yourself to watching this shit at 7 PM when there are, oh, 80 games more interesting going on at that time, I hold no respect for your soul and kindly wish you the best.