Friday, September 19

SEC Week 4 Games - Awesomeness Embodied

Oh, fuck yes. This is the kind of week that makes fans pee their pants in excitement. I mean, Georgia at Arizona State is arguably the third-best game on the schedule, and that would’ve been the showcase game back in Week 1. (Of course, that was because we didn’t realize Arizona State was going to lose to UNL-fucking-V.) The only way this week would be any better is if the showcase LSU-Auburn matchup was in Baton Rouge, because drunken LSU fans rampaging across Baton Rouge with ESPN cameras rolling would be the perfect way to end the weekend. Instead, drunken LSU fans will rampage across Baton Rouge without the prying eyes of cameras; that’s probably for everyone’s benefit.

South Carolina v. Wofford
Yes, this game is the turd in the punchbowl. We can only assume the Gamecocks will roll here and look halfway decent. We’re not fooled, and neither should you; South Carolina lost to Vanderbilt, and although the Commies aren’t jokes this year, losing to them still qualifies. At least ol’ Philly will be able to rest easy, knowing this win happened.

Arkansas v. Alabama
This game won’t be as stupidly awesome as the last two years have been. However, we do get our first honest-to-god Mercenary Bowl in a while, although I give Nick Saban way less credit than most. Still, this Arkansas team is approximately fucking terrible, so if you want to see Casey Dick get his skull caved in, this is the game for you. If you need further proof that Arkansas has played approximately Hawai(‘)i's 2007 schedule, Casey Dick has a 62.7% completion percentage. That number is too high by, oh, 25 percent.

Ole Miss v. Vanderbilt
This would normally be a Raycom Special if it wasn’t for the above listed game, but instead it will live on as a Raycom Special in our hearts and minds. Had Vanderbilt lost at least one of their games so far, it’d be crappy enough to count; instead, we’re now in the awkward position of hoping that Vanderbilt wins what’s really a winnable game in the SEC. Of course, that would require rooting against the awesomeness that is Houston Nutt, which is a sacrifice I’m not fully prepared to make.

Mississippi State @ Georgia Tech
I’ll just say this: anybody who even thinks about passing in this game better do pushups. I’m not even kidding; MSU is rolling out a Special Olympics guy under center and it’s not like we expect Bobby Johnson to set up a good passing game. So, fuck it – broadcast this shit in black and white and let’s go drink moonshine out of a boot, it’s footbaw time.

Florida @ Tennessee
What, you want me to find some reason that Tennessee will win this game? You think they actually have a shot now that they’ve somehow managed to sneak Casey Claussen back into Volunteer orange? You should just consider yourself lucky I haven’t gotten alcohol poisoning yet thinking about this game. Holy shit, it’s gonna be bad. I can only hope that Tebow doesn’t circumcise our linebackers in the middle of the second quarter. Eric Berry, you’re our only hope.

Georgia @ Arizona State
After the giant egg the Vols laid in Los Angeles, I look forward to spending the rest of the season mocking Pac-10 proponents after Arizona State gets their skull caved in. And I mean that in a literal sense; expect Georgia to move to a 3-3-5 come the second half out of respect for the then-departed soul of Rudy Carpenter. Hopefully he’ll flip Erickson the bird as he goes for recruiting Weeblies on the line.

LSU @ Auburn
If you don’t get hair on your chest from watching this game, then by god you’re not a man. (And if you weren’t a man before reading this post …. Welcome to LFB! Please contact James if you’re interested in any and all special promotional opportunities on this site!) This is the kind of shit that makes Big 10 fans cry themselves to sleep at night, because they can only dream about physical collisions this nasty, running games this punishing, and a final score that might – dare we say – double the MSU / Auburn epic bout from last week.