Monday, September 8

Week 2: message from Phil

Dear James & Friends,

Hey guys it's been a fun season so far picking college football games in your pick'em league on Yahoo Sports. I'm sitting atop the standings after two weeks, but it's cool. I'm used to sitting atop the Stassen ratings every season, after outpicking all the other college football magazines. Truth be told, you guys are giving me a tougher run for the money than those clowns at Lindy's ever do! That's why I'm not even going to get into this other than to simply say that I'm looking forward to continuing this contest of prognostication skill through the beginning of December. It's been close so far; may the best (wo)man win!

Fooled you, didn't I? On Sept 4, 2008, I picked East Carolina to upset West Virginia who at the time was ranked #8... and it happened! Happened, happened, happened. Some people out there were picking Wake to lose to the only white quarterback in the world named Jevan, or Zombie Joe's team to lose to a defense that got run all over by Stanford. WRONG. You guys are never going to catch me because I don't make predictions, I make announcements. I don't miss picks; the teams occasionally miss outcomes.

Did you know that I picked Georgia to tie for first in the SEC East in 2007? Despite them only returning eight starters? Oh yes, it happened. Totally called not finding the WMDs in Iraq, too. Like that was hard. (They're in North Korea... christ, sometimes I think Bush is reading Athlon's International Armed Forces previews.)

Which brings me to my friend, let's just call him Steven. Steven is the coach of a major college football program in the SEC. I won't say which one, but I will say that he's a former quarterback and that he's already won a national title with a different school than the one he is coaching for now. Steven totally screwed the pooch last week by not starting the correct quarterback. I picked Vandy's freaking total yardage within one yard and was within eight on South Carolina's passing. (Oh, did you figure out who Steven is now? Sorry, ol buddy.) However, I said that the turnovers would be about even. Vanderbilt was +2... the two interceptions thrown by Chris Smelley. You see, my announcements can't account for things like human stupidity. I know Tommy Beecher threw four picks in his first game ever, but you still won, right Steven? I guarantee you that His Coachness is still going to go with Kevin Craft after his four-interception victory, because Rick Neuheisel is a beautiful man who knows the value of my advice. With Beecher in the game, South Carolina scores more points, which also forces Vandy to play more aggressively and so they turn the ball over a few more times, therefore scoring less points. It's all very simple, and yet this is why Steven keeps screwing up my announcements of his team as SEC sleepers.

But it's cool, because I'm still #1. Despite Steven's collossal failures and inability to follow even the simplest instructions, I'll outpick the chumps at Street & Smith once again.

(I'm the) Best,