Thursday, September 25

ACC Week 5 Games; Florida State Still Sucks Edition

(Disclaimer: ACC football has nothing to do with actual football. Any similarity to what the rest of the world would term as football is simply a bizarre coincidence. The term best used to describe ACC football is “arrhythmic gymnastics of Special Olympics preliminaries quality.”)

Last week was actually – dare I say – a banner week for the ACC, and not in the completely sarcastic fail sense that every other week had been a banner week so far. Instead, NC State actually managed to do something for the first time in years, being on the field when East Carolina beat itself, and Miami went on the road to beat Texas Architecture and Manufacturing, which was a big deal twelve years ago, but we’ll take what we can get. Of course, Florida State ruined it for the rest of us.

Rhode Island @ Boston College
Well, this should be a solid out-of-conference win for Boston College. To be perfectly honest, I’ve barely paid attention to BC this season, and seeing as they’ll likely end up 7-5 and playing in some bowl game that shouldn’t even exist anyway, I’m just going to go ahead and ignore them until they play someone that’s worth making fun of. I’ll get ‘em then.

Virginia @ Duke
Duke is favored in this game. Yes, you read that right. A! C! C! Al Groh is on the laziest hot seat you’ve ever seen in your life, too.

Navy @ Wake Forest
I’ve been saying this every time anyone plays Navy, but it’s not a bad idea to get free scouting. Of course, they play this game right before a bye week, so I guess they can watch the tape or something. Although why anyone would want to watch tape of Wake Forest’s offense of their own accord is beyond me. Jesus. These people are out of their fucking minds.

South Florida @ NC State
NC State gets an opportunity to go 2-0 against teams who beat West Virginia …oh, USF hasn’t played them yet? Oops. Oh well, it’s not like NC State has a shot anyway. I feel like they’re not worth making fun of, but then again, they have a Glennon on the sidelines; it’s their own fault at this point.

North Carolina @ Miami (FL)
Both teams are coming off …well, maybe wins would be too strong a word. But they’re coming off of playing games the previous week, which is about all you can hope for. As for this game, sweet Jesus the game would’ve been bad enough to begin with, but now North Carolina’s lost their starting QB for a month-plus. Fuck. Of course this is the Raycom ACC Game of the Week; I’ll be pulverizing my right hand in a blender if you need me. It’ll hurt less.

Maryland @ Clemson
I’m still floored that both teams in this game are 3-1. Clemson, I kind of expected (although I figured they’d blow it against SC State or something, not against Alabama), but Maryland? Fucking turtles. Really? I can only hope that Clemson runs them over so hard they leave tread marks. Of course, watch Harper get 55 pass attempts as Tommy Bowden attempts to emulate Jon Gruden.

Colorado @ Florida State
I’ve been saving this one up for a while: anyone who even so much as fucking thought about seriously ranking the fucking Seminoles after two fucking wins over 1-goddamn-AA teams, last fucking week was for you. If you thought that the Seminoles had finally gotten someone semi-fucking-competent at quarterback, fuck you – and fuck them, too. INT-INT-INT-INT-INT? Who the fuck do you think you are, Drew Weatherford? There’s only one Drew fucking Weatherford, and you’re shitting the bed on the fucking field while he can shit all over the field way better than your mom can ever fucking dream of, DaVontrey. Don’t ever fucking forget that. Oh, and Colorado better fucking roll.

Virginia Tech @ Nebraska
I guess this game is their marquee game of the week in the ACC, but I can’t help but think that a defensive showdown on ABC at 3:30 that I’m going to get stuck watching instead of some other, actually interesting game. In other words: a) fuck you, ABC; b) I kind of want VA Tech to go 4-8, not out of spite for VA Tech, but just because I’m kind of sick of watching their ’72 Pinto of an offense try and go 40 yards; c) if we gave Nebraska, say, Wake Forest’s jerseys right before kickoff, would you even notice?