Thursday, September 25

SEC Week 5 Games: YAAAAAY Arkansas's Gonna Get Wrecked!

At times, I wonder why the SEC gets as much love as they do. I mean, you saw the god-awful Mississippi State / Auburn game, right? How good can the conference be if fucking Vanderbilt is 2-0 in-conference? And Tennessee is pretty terrible, too. What the hell? Then I remember the conference has the last two national title winners and four, maybe five, legitimate national title contenders and I’m all right again. (But if you have to go through Ohio State to win a title, does it really count?) Hey, fuck you, I wasn’t asking you.

So what’s up with the SEC this week? Well, there’s a pretty good game in Georgia / Alabama, and there’s a group of three games that look interesting but may not necessarily be too exciting. As always, South Carolina brings up the rear – oh, and we get some rescheduled hilarity.

Arkansas @ Texas
What are the odds Petrino ends this game as the new OC in Austin? 1:2? 1:6? I’m considering this game the karmic payback for Arkansas ditching Houston Nutt. Oh, and because you may hear some more random shit about how Casey Dick has turned the corner, feast on these: pre-Alabama, 47-71, 645 yards passing, 4 TD, 1 INT. Alabama, 20-39, 190 yards, 1 TD, 3 INT. Are we sure he’s turned the corner, or is he the same shitty QB who couldn’t throw to save his life when he was facing eight in the box repackaged in a passing offense, padding his numbers against bad teams to make himself look better? Drew Weatherford would be so proud.

UAB @ South Carolina
Well, after having trouble with Wofford, you don’t expect this to be a blowout, do you? I mean, shitty South Carolina offense meets shitty UAB defense; when that happens, the real winners are the fans. The bizarrely entertaining part of it is that UAB probably has the better offense of the two teams; unfortunately, they’ll probably keep it close for three quarters before fading late. The Ol’ Ball Coach won’t be around to see it, though; he’s bailing for a tee time at halftime.

Western Kentucky @ Kentucky
If you’re wondering how shitty a team you have to schedule in order to not even be considered for the Raycom Game of the Week …wonder no more! That’s right, apparently this is a rivalry game for WKU, which makes total sense given the 0-0 record between the two teams in football. It’s so close! This is the second week in a row Kentucky’s played a Sun Belt team; not only is this team way worse than MTSU, South Carolina has lodged a formal complaint against their strength of schedule, claiming it’s “too tough to be a SEC team.”

Tennessee @ Auburn
Ladies and gentlemen, your Offensive Cripple Fight of the year! Between these two teams, you have 1.2 quarterbacks (0.8 Chris Todd, 0.2 Kodi Burns, 0.3 Gerald Jones, -0.1 Jonathan Crompton), 2.3 running backs (1.0 Ben Tate, 0.4 Brad Lester, 0.8 Arian Foster, 0.2 Montario Hardesty, -0.1 field), 1.3 wide receivers (0.9 Lucas Taylor, 0.4 field), and maybe a tight end. Oh, and the defenses aren’t half-bad either. If we keep putting these shitty-offense defensive battles on CBS people are going to think the SEC is the ACC or something; I’m a little nervous about that, I’m not going to lie. On the other hand, we’re going to get our skulls caved in. Again.

Mississippi State @ LSU
While I suspect this should be a bizarrely entertaining game – many MSU games are, to be honest – I’m not sure I’d want to stick around to figure that out. I still have bad memories of that game, so …yeah, fuck this noise. Y’all have fun watching this trainwreck.

Ole Miss @ Florida
I can’t be the only one that remembers the close calls that Ole Miss has given Florida the last few years, right? For some reason, the Rebels have always played the Gators closely, and with Captain Crazy manning the helm in Oxford, I wouldn’t think it’ll be any different. Nutt was always good for playing the big boys way closer than he had any right to, and there’s just enough there to make me a little concerned. Do I think it’ll really be that close? Not really, but it could be. Possible blowout? Yes, this is your Raycom Game of the Week – and also the Bizarrely Entertaining Game of the Week, too.

Alabama @ Georgia
I’ll be honest; I had no idea this game was going to pit two top 10 teams against each other. On one hand, you have the Sugar Bowl-winning, most-of-the-team-returning, sudden offensive-passing-game-emerging, dominant-running-game Bulldogs. On the other hand, you have a team that …beat Clemson. Yes, they beat them handily, and yes, there hasn’t been much going on, but still: the hell? I totally don’t get the love they’re getting, and – god help us all – I hope Georgia fucking stomps them back to the Stone Age they so richly deserve. Is that so much to ask?