ACC Week 12 Games

(Disclaimer: there’s a strong possibility that the winner of the ACC will have three or more conference losses. Should anyone actually take this winner seriously, Left Field Bluffs strongly recommends psychotherapy treatment, in particular any game involving the following teams: Wake Forest, Virginia, NC State, Maryland, Virginia Tech, Florida State, Boston College, Miami, Georgia Tech (Jekyll version), Duke, and Clemson. God yes, Clemson.)

So we head into ACC Week 12 in good shape for the god-awful all shit breaking loose scenario: everyone in the conference having three losses. Six teams – half the conference – are still short that elusive third loss. Fortunately, of those six teams, four play this week. You know what that means; next week there will be no more than four teams having two losses. Fuck yes, let’s do this.

What we’re not going to do is talk about Virginia Tech and Miami, since I completely fail at getting this up on time. Um, again. Yeah, I know.

Duke @ Clemson

Clemson completely fucked up the “everyone in the ACC has four losses” dream scenario by not beating Florida State; since both these teams have four losses already, that’s out the window now. Even Clemson can’t get a doomsday scenario right this year. Real Americans root for Duke – at least for now.

Wake Forest @ NC State

God help us all, even we’re not crazy enough to think NC State has a shot to win any of their remaining games. Fortunately, we don’t need them to.

North Carolina @ Maryland

Maryland Black Hole theory predicts Maryland in a rout. Fortunately, both these teams only have two losses, so I’m okay with the Black Hole.

Boston College @ Florida State

We need BC to win this game, since they’re already sitting on three losses. Fortunately, Florida State just lost 5 guys to suspension for this game, so even though I’m fucking screwed and get this game as my 8 PM special.

SEC Week 11 Games: Saban Bowl!

Well, last week pretty much defined a hierarchy among the SEC’s top four; the last question we have is whether or not Florida is better than Alabama, and we’ll get that question answered in …oh, 4 weeks or so. Five, if I’m doing the math wrong. Other than that, Ole Miss opened up a little bit of separation in the second-third tier and made some headway on LSU, South Carolina pretty much nailed down third place in the SEC East, and everyone else may or may not a whole barrel of suck. Also, Arkansas won a game – what the hell?

UT-Martin @ Auburn

Well, this should be a win for Auburn, right? If this was UL-Monroe I’d be a little concerned, but even the clanky, broken-down offense currently up in blocks in Jordan-Hare Stadium, the Tigers should be able to push it around enough to squeak out a win here. That being said, it’ll still likely come down to the defense.

Wyoming @ Tennessee

Let’s get the clunkers out of the way; first off, be glad this game is only available on PPV, as nobody would pay money to watch orange, yellow, brown, and white all on the same field (unless you’re a fan of the 70’s era Vancouver Canucks one-piece jerseys). While you’re wondering if you took a time trip back to the ‘70’s, can you tell the decade to take Tennessee’s offense back, please? We’re done with it here, thanks.

Arkansas @ South Carolina

South Carolina should roll here, especially since there’s not a whole lot of difference between Arkansas and Tennessee on offense. As usual, the margin of victory depends on how effective South Carolina is on offense, but unlike last week, don’t expect tUSC to die out in the red zone time and time again (thanks, Tulsa).

Georgia @ Kentucky

Remember how Kentucky played Alabama close? It’ll be kind of like that, except don’t expect Kentucky to score as much as they did in that game; first off, Georgia’s probably pissed as hell, and secondly, 21 points is a veritable offensive outburst for this moped of offense. Don’t expect that to continue; Georgia should get up a TD early, and then just slowly choke the life out of the Wildcat offense.

Florida @ Vanderbilt

If you watched Georgia / Kentucky before watching this game, you’ll be forgiven if you think you’re watching a repeat. Well, it’s a repeat only in the loosest sense of the world; Florida should knock Vanderbilt six ways from Sunday in the first half alone, setting up the stage for a Vandy / Tennessee showdown to determine bowl eligibility. Shouldn’t that be how it happens?

Alabama @ LSU

Oh, hell yes. Words can’t even describe how excited I am for this one, and I can only hope it’s less of an unrequited blowout than the anticipated-as-hell Georgia / Florida tilt from last week. I hope for massive, massive amounts of pain, and a LSU win, further confusing the title picture. At this point, it’s really all about the chaos.

ACC Week 11 Games: Whirlpool of Shit

(Disclaimer: rooting for any ACC team other than Georgia Tech or Duke is un-American. Since we only have another couple of months to say this, might as well get it out while we still can – TERRORIST!)

So there are a total of five teams in the ACC that don’t have two losses in-conference: Maryland, Clemson, Boston College, NC State, and Duke. Quick, which one of those teams has less than one loss? Admit it, you had to think about it. You wonder why I think this conference sucks goat rocks – well, now you know.

Virginia Tech v. Maryland

This should be …well, pretty idiotic. On one hand, Virginia Tech will be lucky if Sean Glennon plays a snap; they’re rolling out converted “QB” Cory Holt under center, with a backup TE serving as the emergency holy fuck we’re toast please don’t kill us too badly QB. They’ll be running an offense that would be one-dimensional if they’re lucky; really, they’re something less than a point. On the other hand, Maryland’s ranked and playing in a game they should win. Call it a draw. The Whirlpool of Suck calls for Virginia Tech to lose, increasing the number of three-loss conference teams; on the other hand, the Maryland Black Hole theory recognizes that Virginia Tech has no talent on offense and thus will allow over 30 points.

Boston College v. Notre Dame

JIMMAH! There’s no reason – god help us all – the Fighting Irish shouldn’t roll in this game; on the other hand, they’re coming damn close to ACC stupidity and Boston College hasn’t lost a non-conference game this season. (Ignore their non-conference slate has all the quality of warm poo.) BC’s fortunately already at three conference losses, so they’ll look a lot better by comparison next week regardless of what happens here.

Duke v. NC State

Look, someone’s gotta play at 12 PM on Raycom, and why not these guys? Both of these teams are already past the two-loss threshold, although an NC State loss would help to continue the conference’s pull towards the center, as five teams are going to lose a conference game this week. Pull for the Blue Devils and keep the whirlpool going. (Actually, in a mild shock, this game isn’t on Raycom. I had figured this was going to be a pile of shit the likes of which public access ACC football couldn’t avoid.)

Wake Forest v. Virginia

The wheels have fallen off at Wake, although that really implies the wheels were ever on at some point, which is flagrant and obvious bullshit. Sorry about that. Of course, Virginia just fucking blew it against Miami of all teams, so it’s not like we can count on them to do anything either. Someone’s going to get their third loss, and the team that doesn’t fuck it up will probably back into leading their division. People will think that means one of these teams is good. People are morons.

Florida State v. Clemson

Man, this game would’ve been a whole hell of a lot more fun if Tommy Bowden was still under fire. Would Bobby willingly put the ax to Tommy and move closer to having a shot at a bowl game much better than FSU deserves? Of course, Tommy went and fucked it up, so might as well take Clemson to roll comfortably here, since they’re in such disarray they have no business winning this game. Dabo Sweeney will call for an orange-out, even though the game’s on the road. If Clemson wins this, FSU picks up their third conference loss (which means maybe people will finally stop ranking this team – they beat TWO 1-AA teams. That’s why their record’s decent, pollsters.)

North Carolina v. Georgia Tech

Here we are – the two teams in the ACC that actually don’t look like rabid ass most of the time. I wouldn’t go so far as to call this a good game, but it might be decent. Of course, since it might actually be a decent game it’s on at 12 PM and is now a Raycom special. This means 7-3 awesomeness and a questioning of why the fuck we rank any teams in this terrible conference. On the plus side, someone’s guaranteed to pick up a third conference loss.

SEC Week 9 Games: WTF are they doing playing on Thursday?

Last week wasn’t terribly eventful in the SEC; sure, Tennessee had an excellent defensive game (and 34-3 at least looks like they got their shit together), but how much credit do we give for a dominating defensive performance against Mississippi State? Arkansas looked competent for three quarters, but that didn’t really matter in the end. LSU / South Carolina was largely craptastic (and for the record, that ref has already used up his eligibility, otherwise he’d be playing in the Big 12 this weekend). Vanderbilt / UGA and Ole Miss / Alabama were both entertaining, but the favorites won in both cases.

What does that leave us with? Well, it’s another mostly dead weekend – save a vicious Georgia / LSU tilt. Also, apparently it’s the Third Saturday in October, but don’t tell that to your calendar. Also, Auburn / West Virginia kicks off in half an hour, so let’s hope this is up in time, otherwise that preview is going to look pretty funny.

Auburn @ West Virginia
This definitely isn’t the dead game of the week, although both programs are arguably on life support. (This joke has been approved by the Corny Writers of ESPN Union.) However, it’s the game that begins the earliest this week, so it might as well be on top. It’s on Thursday, so let’s be honest – you’re watching it anyway, unless you’re one of those crazies who watch baseball. Don’t expect a great game, and I can’t really tell you a whole lot more than that other than this game will probably be a little bit ugly.

MTSU @ Mississippi State
Now, this is going to be pretty terrible. I’d almost give MTSU the edge (they beat Maryland! Remember this when the Terps somehow end up ranked), but Starkville is a black hole of offense. Expect a pretty hideous game, so be glad this isn’t on TV.

Kentucky @ Florida
I actually expect Kentucky to keep this closer than expected, but at the end of the day, this is still a Raycom game. [witty – okay, “witty” – banter about the teams goes here]

Duke @ Vanderbilt
That’s right – Vandy’s almost bowl-eligible! Unfortunately, they go up against the power football currently stationed in Durham, NC. God, the fact that anyone’s paying attention to this game is hilarious for so many reasons, but in the absence of any actual analysis, might as well take Duke for the upset. Vandy can just beat Tennessee later to get bowl-eligible.

Alabama @ Tennessee
It’s the Not Third Saturday in October! Of course, the Vols are more than likely going to get smoked here (which will probably do Fulmer in if he isn’t already toast, but that’s neither here nor there); I, on the other hand, will be watching to see if Eric Berry plays every snap as he damn well should. Berry is the world’s best argument for cloning.

Ole Miss @ Arkansas
As odd as it sounds, I am so incredibly pissed that this game isn’t on TV. Anything and everything could happen here, up to and including a forfeit. I hope Ole Miss wins by 84 and Nutt flips the bird to the Arkansas faithful as he walks off the field. Good riddance.

Georgia @ LSU
This should be badass, get-hyped-up-and-yell-like-hell football. That’s right, it’s a night game in Tiger Stadium, but if you think there’s going to be a blackout – well, that would actually be hilarious. Don’t count on it, though.

ACC Week 8 Games: Yet another week spent watching shitty regional coverage

(Disclaimer: just because Florida State is now 5-1 does not mean they’re good. Keep this in mind, pollsters, or someone will leave the bloodless head of your dog in your bed come Monday morning. Don’t drink the tomato juice you left in the fridge; consider this your only warning.)

Well, we’ve missed Florida / NC State; anyone who saw that game wishes they could burn it from their memory, so we’ve really done you a favor. Quite frankly, we should do the same for the rest of the ACC, but since we’re not that nice (and we, like the ACC, have it in for you on a deeply personal level), you get stuck with this shit.

Miami (FL) @ Duke
While we’ll be pulling for Duke in all their bastardized, Little-Giants-esque glory, if you think we’re actually going to watch them at any point this season you’re off your fucking rocker. Duke to win, you to do anything else other than watch this.

North Carolina @ Virginia
There’s no reason the Tar Heels shouldn’t roll; they’re conclusively better than the Cavs, whatever bullshit they pulled against Maryland (thanks again!). Of course, because this is the ACC and they like to piss all over your dreams of ever seeing even a semi-competent team I fully expect Virginia to win by 35 and nobody in Charlottesville will even fucking care. Oh, and we get this game on ABC instead of Ohio State / Michigan State. And you people wonder why I hate this fucking conference so hard.

Georgia Tech @ Clemson
Damn, the Clemson bandwagon caught on fire, lost all its wheels, and plowed off a cliff into a crowd of innocent bystanders watching SEC football. And Tommy Bowden got thrown under the bus so hard he’ll have tread marks on his back for years. What’s that mean – why, Clemson will win by 40. Fuck you, ACC.

Wake Forest @ Maryland
Let’s apply the black hole theory to Maryland; that means Maryland wins, but not convincingly. On the other hand, Wake isn’t really talented, they’re just well-coached. Maybe that can break the streak. God, do I fucking hope so; they’re going to be insufferable if they beat Wake.

Virginia Tech @ Boston College
This gets default Game-of-the-Week status simply because there are two losses combined between these teams. Do I expect it’ll be worth watching? Fuck no – which is why it’s on ESPN2, because after seven years they still haven’t figured out this conference is fucking terrible football.

SEC Week 8 Games: Does it smell like chaos in here, or is it just me?

After an unintentional weeklong hiatus (thanks, Comcast!), we’re back with the SEC again. Thank god. Of course, in the meantime Florida’s shown up in the national title chase again, South Carolina’s back on our radar again (dammit), Vanderbilt is now 0-1 in trap games over their history (also: thanks for the Crooming), and LSU may not be quite as good as we thought. What’s not news? Auburn, Mississippi State, and Tennessee all have Downs-Syndrome (not autistic) level offenses – and Arkansas still sucks. Don’t be fooled.

Arkansas @ Kentucky
This game certainly sounds interesting, as both teams qualify as intriguing. However, don’t be fooled; this is going to be an ass-ugly affair. What remains to be seen is if it’ll be ass-ugly in the “1-AA team comes in for Homecoming” kind of way, where it looks like the second-teamers beat the crap out of the first-teamers and left them for dead in the locker room, or in the “quality ACC game” way, where it looks like a good game unless you start paying attention. My vote’s on the latter. (And speaking of Homecoming, this is Kentucky’s homecoming game.)

Mississippi State @ Tennessee
Lordy, am I glad this game isn’t on TV, as there’s no way I’d want to actually watch this. This is going to be hideous; most hack writers would make a 3-2 joke here, but I will go hack-plus and instead opt for a 14-12 final (7 safeties against 6). They should call this game as soon as someone scores on offense; of course, that means they could still be playing come Monday.

LSU @ South Carolina
Last year featured the fake-field-goal bitchsmack of the decade, and for that we’ll always be grateful for Les Miles. That being said, this is one of those quasi-interesting games that could be exciting if South Carolina stays close (or ahead) of LSU through halftime, but will likely be decided by the end of the third quarter, even though three’s no rational reason this game shouldn’t come down to the wire.

Ole Miss @ Alabama
Now this game … this should be fun. On one hand, this shouldn’t be too tough a game for Alabama, but on the other, you have the SEC’s answer for Maryland in Ole Miss. After bombing the game against South Carolina, you can easily leave the Nuttsters for dead, but I know better than to count out the crazy. We have a solid shot of seeing this season’s second full-on Giggity, and for that I’m excited. (Now watch ‘Bama win by 45.)

Vanderbilt @ Georgia
In what seemed like a great idea at the time, Vandy is Georgia’s homecoming game. Of course, these aren’t your normal Commies; no, this year they’re the 2007 Croomdogs, complete with mostly-terrible offense and a remarkable ability to get lucky at the right time. If they’re rolling, this game should be close, but if not expect Georgia to slowly but surely choke the life out of Vandy.

SEC Week 6 Games: Can You Hear Me? 'cause I'm Phoning It In

Well, I’m glad that the SEC is so normal this season. Florida looks fantastic, and Georgia is the powerhouse they were expected to be. Vanderbilt still blows, and the Tennessee offense didn’t miss a beat after losing all its coaching personnel. Alabama looks like they’re still a year out, and Mississippi State has made further strides after their Liberty Bowl berth last year.

Wait, what’s that? Um, crap. Well, I’m on a deadline, screw it, I’m not changing that intro.

Northern Illinois @ Tennessee
Good lord, this season has been painful. It’s not so much that the offense is struggling as much as it is as much as it is the complete lack of intelligence under center – Jonathan Crompton is a freaking moron. Well, Nick Stephens should get some action in this game, which may or may not be a relief, but as a general rule patience is wearing thin. I’m not sure I’d blame the coaching staff for complete lack of mental acuity; that’s just Clausen territory.

South Carolina @ Ole Miss
So, Rebels – you think you’re all high and mighty now that you’ve beaten Florida? Well, welcome to the other side of the Houston Nutt era. The side that blows winnable games against ACC teams. The side that will keep this game maddeningly close even though Ole Miss is a much better team, leaving it close enough for South Carolina to mount a game-winning drive to ruin Ole Miss’ homecoming. Don’t say you weren’t warned.

Florida @ Arkansas
And here’s the other side of that misfortunate tilt in Gainesville. Apparently the Gators are pissed now, but I’d trust that about as far as I can throw the completely ineffective playbook of Dan Millen. I’m still staggered by the number of barely overthrown passes from last week; while that probably won’t happen again, it’s still a huge danger sign. I’d be worried about an upset here except the Hogs are beyond terrible.

Kentucky @ Alabama
There are just enough people talking about this game being a trap game that it probably won’t be. It’ll look like a trap game, though, especially if Kentucky can hang close for the first half. We’ll go into the locker rooms at 7-3 and everyone will think it can happen, then ‘Bama will roll 21 in the third quarter and we’ll go watch something else.

Auburn @ Vanderbilt
I still can’t believe Gameday is in Nashville. That scares the hell out of me. I suspect the defenses will look good due to the offenses being mostly horrific, but don’t expect me to watch; I’ll be out buying all the canned goods I can find. Armageddon isn’t too far off now.

We'll forgo the ACC games for this week, because I'm still depressed as hell we're not getting Georgia Tech / Duke; instead, we get Boston College / NC State. I'll be drinking Drano from the bottle if you need me.

ACC Week 5 Games; Florida State Still Sucks Edition

(Disclaimer: ACC football has nothing to do with actual football. Any similarity to what the rest of the world would term as football is simply a bizarre coincidence. The term best used to describe ACC football is “arrhythmic gymnastics of Special Olympics preliminaries quality.”)

Last week was actually – dare I say – a banner week for the ACC, and not in the completely sarcastic fail sense that every other week had been a banner week so far. Instead, NC State actually managed to do something for the first time in years, being on the field when East Carolina beat itself, and Miami went on the road to beat Texas Architecture and Manufacturing, which was a big deal twelve years ago, but we’ll take what we can get. Of course, Florida State ruined it for the rest of us.

Rhode Island @ Boston College
Well, this should be a solid out-of-conference win for Boston College. To be perfectly honest, I’ve barely paid attention to BC this season, and seeing as they’ll likely end up 7-5 and playing in some bowl game that shouldn’t even exist anyway, I’m just going to go ahead and ignore them until they play someone that’s worth making fun of. I’ll get ‘em then.

Virginia @ Duke
Duke is favored in this game. Yes, you read that right. A! C! C! Al Groh is on the laziest hot seat you’ve ever seen in your life, too.

Navy @ Wake Forest
I’ve been saying this every time anyone plays Navy, but it’s not a bad idea to get free scouting. Of course, they play this game right before a bye week, so I guess they can watch the tape or something. Although why anyone would want to watch tape of Wake Forest’s offense of their own accord is beyond me. Jesus. These people are out of their fucking minds.

South Florida @ NC State
NC State gets an opportunity to go 2-0 against teams who beat West Virginia …oh, USF hasn’t played them yet? Oops. Oh well, it’s not like NC State has a shot anyway. I feel like they’re not worth making fun of, but then again, they have a Glennon on the sidelines; it’s their own fault at this point.

North Carolina @ Miami (FL)
Both teams are coming off …well, maybe wins would be too strong a word. But they’re coming off of playing games the previous week, which is about all you can hope for. As for this game, sweet Jesus the game would’ve been bad enough to begin with, but now North Carolina’s lost their starting QB for a month-plus. Fuck. Of course this is the Raycom ACC Game of the Week; I’ll be pulverizing my right hand in a blender if you need me. It’ll hurt less.

Maryland @ Clemson
I’m still floored that both teams in this game are 3-1. Clemson, I kind of expected (although I figured they’d blow it against SC State or something, not against Alabama), but Maryland? Fucking turtles. Really? I can only hope that Clemson runs them over so hard they leave tread marks. Of course, watch Harper get 55 pass attempts as Tommy Bowden attempts to emulate Jon Gruden.

Colorado @ Florida State
I’ve been saving this one up for a while: anyone who even so much as fucking thought about seriously ranking the fucking Seminoles after two fucking wins over 1-goddamn-AA teams, last fucking week was for you. If you thought that the Seminoles had finally gotten someone semi-fucking-competent at quarterback, fuck you – and fuck them, too. INT-INT-INT-INT-INT? Who the fuck do you think you are, Drew Weatherford? There’s only one Drew fucking Weatherford, and you’re shitting the bed on the fucking field while he can shit all over the field way better than your mom can ever fucking dream of, DaVontrey. Don’t ever fucking forget that. Oh, and Colorado better fucking roll.

Virginia Tech @ Nebraska
I guess this game is their marquee game of the week in the ACC, but I can’t help but think that a defensive showdown on ABC at 3:30 that I’m going to get stuck watching instead of some other, actually interesting game. In other words: a) fuck you, ABC; b) I kind of want VA Tech to go 4-8, not out of spite for VA Tech, but just because I’m kind of sick of watching their ’72 Pinto of an offense try and go 40 yards; c) if we gave Nebraska, say, Wake Forest’s jerseys right before kickoff, would you even notice?

SEC Week 5 Games: YAAAAAY Arkansas's Gonna Get Wrecked!

At times, I wonder why the SEC gets as much love as they do. I mean, you saw the god-awful Mississippi State / Auburn game, right? How good can the conference be if fucking Vanderbilt is 2-0 in-conference? And Tennessee is pretty terrible, too. What the hell? Then I remember the conference has the last two national title winners and four, maybe five, legitimate national title contenders and I’m all right again. (But if you have to go through Ohio State to win a title, does it really count?) Hey, fuck you, I wasn’t asking you.

So what’s up with the SEC this week? Well, there’s a pretty good game in Georgia / Alabama, and there’s a group of three games that look interesting but may not necessarily be too exciting. As always, South Carolina brings up the rear – oh, and we get some rescheduled hilarity.

Arkansas @ Texas
What are the odds Petrino ends this game as the new OC in Austin? 1:2? 1:6? I’m considering this game the karmic payback for Arkansas ditching Houston Nutt. Oh, and because you may hear some more random shit about how Casey Dick has turned the corner, feast on these: pre-Alabama, 47-71, 645 yards passing, 4 TD, 1 INT. Alabama, 20-39, 190 yards, 1 TD, 3 INT. Are we sure he’s turned the corner, or is he the same shitty QB who couldn’t throw to save his life when he was facing eight in the box repackaged in a passing offense, padding his numbers against bad teams to make himself look better? Drew Weatherford would be so proud.

UAB @ South Carolina
Well, after having trouble with Wofford, you don’t expect this to be a blowout, do you? I mean, shitty South Carolina offense meets shitty UAB defense; when that happens, the real winners are the fans. The bizarrely entertaining part of it is that UAB probably has the better offense of the two teams; unfortunately, they’ll probably keep it close for three quarters before fading late. The Ol’ Ball Coach won’t be around to see it, though; he’s bailing for a tee time at halftime.

Western Kentucky @ Kentucky
If you’re wondering how shitty a team you have to schedule in order to not even be considered for the Raycom Game of the Week …wonder no more! That’s right, apparently this is a rivalry game for WKU, which makes total sense given the 0-0 record between the two teams in football. It’s so close! This is the second week in a row Kentucky’s played a Sun Belt team; not only is this team way worse than MTSU, South Carolina has lodged a formal complaint against their strength of schedule, claiming it’s “too tough to be a SEC team.”

Tennessee @ Auburn
Ladies and gentlemen, your Offensive Cripple Fight of the year! Between these two teams, you have 1.2 quarterbacks (0.8 Chris Todd, 0.2 Kodi Burns, 0.3 Gerald Jones, -0.1 Jonathan Crompton), 2.3 running backs (1.0 Ben Tate, 0.4 Brad Lester, 0.8 Arian Foster, 0.2 Montario Hardesty, -0.1 field), 1.3 wide receivers (0.9 Lucas Taylor, 0.4 field), and maybe a tight end. Oh, and the defenses aren’t half-bad either. If we keep putting these shitty-offense defensive battles on CBS people are going to think the SEC is the ACC or something; I’m a little nervous about that, I’m not going to lie. On the other hand, we’re going to get our skulls caved in. Again.

Mississippi State @ LSU
While I suspect this should be a bizarrely entertaining game – many MSU games are, to be honest – I’m not sure I’d want to stick around to figure that out. I still have bad memories of that game, so …yeah, fuck this noise. Y’all have fun watching this trainwreck.

Ole Miss @ Florida
I can’t be the only one that remembers the close calls that Ole Miss has given Florida the last few years, right? For some reason, the Rebels have always played the Gators closely, and with Captain Crazy manning the helm in Oxford, I wouldn’t think it’ll be any different. Nutt was always good for playing the big boys way closer than he had any right to, and there’s just enough there to make me a little concerned. Do I think it’ll really be that close? Not really, but it could be. Possible blowout? Yes, this is your Raycom Game of the Week – and also the Bizarrely Entertaining Game of the Week, too.

Alabama @ Georgia
I’ll be honest; I had no idea this game was going to pit two top 10 teams against each other. On one hand, you have the Sugar Bowl-winning, most-of-the-team-returning, sudden offensive-passing-game-emerging, dominant-running-game Bulldogs. On the other hand, you have a team that …beat Clemson. Yes, they beat them handily, and yes, there hasn’t been much going on, but still: the hell? I totally don’t get the love they’re getting, and – god help us all – I hope Georgia fucking stomps them back to the Stone Age they so richly deserve. Is that so much to ask?

ACC Week 4 Games: Because 500 Words on this Shitty Conference Is Overdoing It

(Disclaimer: prolonged exposure to ACC football will result in you thinking the ACC is comprised of teams with lots of good defenses and not the conference that still likely employs Jeff Bowden as OC at seven different schools. Simultaneously.)

Since I’m pretty much out of witty intros at this point, I’ll save it for the previews except for one thought: how in the blue fuck is Florida fucking State ranked?

Clemson v. South Carolina State
I’m glad to see that Clemson is taking a page from the Florida State Book of Scheduling High-Quality opponents. Although SC State is probably a 5-point favorite over NC State at this point. Expect Clemson to give themselves a degree of difficulty and only run the ball 5 times during the entire game.

Maryland v. Eastern Michigan
Yes, Maryland beat Cal last week. If you think I’m giving them any credit or any respect for that … fuck that noise. EMU by 145. Fucking Terps.

NC State v. East Carolina
This is the third stage in East Carolina’s systematic dominance of the mid-South Atlantic seaboard. Expect NC State to offer more resistance than West Virginia, which is approximately offering more resistance than a wet paper bag.

Boston College v. UCF
This game would’ve been awesome last year. Now? Well, we’re sitting around hoping like hell that we don’t have to watch this shit, because this crapass game might be nicer if there was anyone with, well, talent. If you need us, we’ll be over here getting our colon scoped with a rusty steak knife. Fuck it, we’d rather do that than sit through this shit.

Georgia Tech v. Mississippi State
Games like this should be played back in the 1950’s, except there was that whole segregation thing going on. Um…. Yeah. Maybe we can all imagine it’s like the 1950’s, except 3/4ths of the teams are in blackface.

Miami (FL) @ Texas A&M
This is your Cripple Fight of the week. Just in case you didn’t think the Aggies were quite incompetent enough, we’ll add the Miami Special Olympics offense. Toss in some chronically underused Mike Goodman and stay the fuck away.

Virginia Tech @ North Carolina
Apparently this is the second-best game in the ACC this week. I’ll go toss a working toaster into my bathtub now.

Wake Forest @ Florida State
Ladies and Gentlemen, your Game of the Week! And if you’re actually going to subject yourself to watching this shit at 7 PM when there are, oh, 80 games more interesting going on at that time, I hold no respect for your soul and kindly wish you the best.

SEC Week 4 Games - Awesomeness Embodied

Oh, fuck yes. This is the kind of week that makes fans pee their pants in excitement. I mean, Georgia at Arizona State is arguably the third-best game on the schedule, and that would’ve been the showcase game back in Week 1. (Of course, that was because we didn’t realize Arizona State was going to lose to UNL-fucking-V.) The only way this week would be any better is if the showcase LSU-Auburn matchup was in Baton Rouge, because drunken LSU fans rampaging across Baton Rouge with ESPN cameras rolling would be the perfect way to end the weekend. Instead, drunken LSU fans will rampage across Baton Rouge without the prying eyes of cameras; that’s probably for everyone’s benefit.

South Carolina v. Wofford
Yes, this game is the turd in the punchbowl. We can only assume the Gamecocks will roll here and look halfway decent. We’re not fooled, and neither should you; South Carolina lost to Vanderbilt, and although the Commies aren’t jokes this year, losing to them still qualifies. At least ol’ Philly will be able to rest easy, knowing this win happened.

Arkansas v. Alabama
This game won’t be as stupidly awesome as the last two years have been. However, we do get our first honest-to-god Mercenary Bowl in a while, although I give Nick Saban way less credit than most. Still, this Arkansas team is approximately fucking terrible, so if you want to see Casey Dick get his skull caved in, this is the game for you. If you need further proof that Arkansas has played approximately Hawai(‘)i's 2007 schedule, Casey Dick has a 62.7% completion percentage. That number is too high by, oh, 25 percent.

Ole Miss v. Vanderbilt
This would normally be a Raycom Special if it wasn’t for the above listed game, but instead it will live on as a Raycom Special in our hearts and minds. Had Vanderbilt lost at least one of their games so far, it’d be crappy enough to count; instead, we’re now in the awkward position of hoping that Vanderbilt wins what’s really a winnable game in the SEC. Of course, that would require rooting against the awesomeness that is Houston Nutt, which is a sacrifice I’m not fully prepared to make.

Mississippi State @ Georgia Tech
I’ll just say this: anybody who even thinks about passing in this game better do pushups. I’m not even kidding; MSU is rolling out a Special Olympics guy under center and it’s not like we expect Bobby Johnson to set up a good passing game. So, fuck it – broadcast this shit in black and white and let’s go drink moonshine out of a boot, it’s footbaw time.

Florida @ Tennessee
What, you want me to find some reason that Tennessee will win this game? You think they actually have a shot now that they’ve somehow managed to sneak Casey Claussen back into Volunteer orange? You should just consider yourself lucky I haven’t gotten alcohol poisoning yet thinking about this game. Holy shit, it’s gonna be bad. I can only hope that Tebow doesn’t circumcise our linebackers in the middle of the second quarter. Eric Berry, you’re our only hope.

Georgia @ Arizona State
After the giant egg the Vols laid in Los Angeles, I look forward to spending the rest of the season mocking Pac-10 proponents after Arizona State gets their skull caved in. And I mean that in a literal sense; expect Georgia to move to a 3-3-5 come the second half out of respect for the then-departed soul of Rudy Carpenter. Hopefully he’ll flip Erickson the bird as he goes for recruiting Weeblies on the line.

LSU @ Auburn
If you don’t get hair on your chest from watching this game, then by god you’re not a man. (And if you weren’t a man before reading this post …. Welcome to LFB! Please contact James if you’re interested in any and all special promotional opportunities on this site!) This is the kind of shit that makes Big 10 fans cry themselves to sleep at night, because they can only dream about physical collisions this nasty, running games this punishing, and a final score that might – dare we say – double the MSU / Auburn epic bout from last week.

ACC Week 3 Games - We Only Wish They Had Talent

(Disclaimer: watching ACC football is hazardous to your mental health and eye safety. Left Field Bluffs recommends keeping at least three stations between you and any ACC game at any given time, as god-awful offensive football can strike anywhere, anytime – and if you hurt your eyes we don’t have a Braille version of this site. If you’re unfortunate enough to get the Raycom ACC Game of the Week, LFB suggests drinking so heavily that you go blind. It’s for the best.)

This is the week that the ACC really steps up the level of difficulty: that’s right, they only play one 1-AA team this week! Shockingly, most of the other games are pretty even matchups (NC State / Clemson notwithstanding), meaning that we might actually see some interesting games. Please note the absence of “quality”, “entertaining”, or “exciting” in the previous sentence. (Ed: I thought we removed that line, you dumbass. That’s an aside!)

Florida State v. Chattanooga
Seriously? I mean, I guess ol’ Bobby B’s got to get his wins somehow – and Drew Weatherford has to have a halfway decent completion percentage at some point – but two 1-AA teams in a row is just ridiculous. (Note: Drew likely won't be playing in this game, as he's lost his job to not one, but two, freshmen QBs. It's got to be pretty sad when you're not only bad enough to be replaced as the incumbent starter, but you're replaced by a QB rotation. With freshmen. All I'm saying is that if I was Drew, I'd be lit like a Christmas tree come kickoff.) FSU should take a cue from most other teams and schedule that second 1-AA game for homecoming. Come on, at least TRY and hide the fact you need to go 4-6 against teams with a pulse to become bowl-eligible.

Clemson v. NC State
If Clemson decides to let Jeffy Bowden OC this game, this could be way closer than it has any right to be. However, barring that Tom O’Brien’s Wolfpack squad basically will get to spend 60 minutes chasing the backs of Spiller and Davis and looking good for the Heisman highlight reels. Clemson would be wise to put this game out of reach early. That's code for "45 passes, 12 rushes."

Virginia @ Connecticut
Last year, this game would’ve resulted in literal horseshoes being crapped out at midfield; this season, hopefully both these teams don’t get so fucking lucky. That being said, the Huskies are the more talented team and they’re at home, so they should beat the likely lackluster Virginia squad. If the 4th place Big East team can’t beat a fucking ACC cellar dweller at home, LFB may have to revoke the Big East’s title of Most Loved Conference Everyone Else Shits On. In that case, here we come MAC!

Duke v. Navy
This is an interesting little trial-and-error scheduling game by Duke here; I can’t think Duke’s AD was prescient enough to realize that Georgia Tech and Navy would be running basically the same offense, but now that they are, it’s a nice opportunity to get some free scouting in. Of course, most of the scouting they’ll get in this game will be of the “holy crap, our defense wasn’t designed to stop the run for 35 minutes” variety, and any offensive gains will likely be nullified by the 450 yards Navy’s going to roll up on the ground. As much as I’d love Duke to open 2-1, it won’t happen. That being said, I still expect the articles coming out of Durham to read like poster copy from Little Giants, so we're okay there.

Maryland v. California
Way to go, Terps! Seriously, I’m glad the Terrapins scheduled a game against an actual genius QB coach in Jeff Tedford. Maybe the Fridge can take notes, as Jordan Steffy Chris Turner that dude in the 4th row of the student section leading foes into battle over, say, Nate Longridge is like taking a rusty butter knife into a gun battle. Oh, and Jahvid Best might be the fastest guy Maryland sees all season. Yikes.

North Carolina @ Rutgers
To all those who said North Carolina can challenge for the ACC title: put up or shut up time, motherfuckers. Show you can hang with one of the better Big East teams and we’ll start to think about what you can do in your own conference. Get blown out and we’ll pencil the Tar Heels in for 6-6. The choice – much like Choose Your Own Adventure – is your own, Chapel Hill. Choose wisely. If UNC is able to win this game outright, this might be the best ACC non-conference win of the season, which is pretty depressing if you think about it too hard.

Virginia Tech v. Georgia Tech
This game could be either the Stupidly Entertaining Game of the Week or 60 Minutes of Fan Hell; shit, it could be both. It all depends on how well the Yellow Jackets execute their offense and if Virginia Tech can figure out a way to stop it. Either way, Virginia Tech on offense = sleep.

SEC Week 3 Games - Workin' Blue to Pass the Time

The first couple weeks’ worth of games hasn’t been too bad to the SEC; sure, Week 2 was pretty freaking boring (I mean, Vandy / South Carolina as your showcase game = go chug some Drano to pass the time), but at least these guys win their non-conference games unlike other conferences whose nAmes we Can’t reCall at the moment. We'll just ignore the fact that Tennessee completely forgot how to do that for now.

As for this week, this is kind of a weird amalgamation of games. There aren’t many true showcase games – Georgia @ South Carolina comes closest, likely – and there are a few duds in there (Ole Miss v. Samford? Really, that was the best they could do?), but the early-season slate of SEC games is a lot like vodka; pretty calm and soothing before it totally fucks you up come Week 4. In the meantime, keep on drinkin’.

Ole Miss v. Samford
Presumably Ole Miss will roll pretty easily here, as I don’t think anyone knows a) where Samford is, b) what NCAA division they’re in (are they NAIA?), c) what kind of classes they offer at Samford, and d) if their football team isn’t just 22 guys in tights. Stranger things have happened, but I have faith in the complete fucking insanity that is Houston Nutt.

LSU v. North Texas
Remember how the first week’s game for LSU could’ve been fun if LSU was a bit worse? Yeah, that’s totally not the case here; North Texas is going to get completely fucked here. Proper fucked, too. It’ll be painful; I fully expect LSU to go into a 3-4 after halftime because three guys are going to be enough to get pressure on the QB, and North Texas isn’t exactly known for their defense. The forecast calls for pain.

Alabama v. Directional (West) Kentucky
Because it’s not enough for Alabama to beat up and steal LSU’s oh-so-loved HC Nick Saban, now they have to go and schedule a provisional Sun Belt school over an actual one. Of course, the last time they played a Sun Belt school, the Tide lost, so maybe we’re a bit premature here assuming a win. But I’d say just a bit premature, not too premature; the Tide should – dare I say – roll.

Tennessee v. UAB
After an intense struggle against Bye Week, Tennessee comes back to face C-USA bottom-feeder UAB, who was best known last year for losing close to Florida State. I expect Tennessee to play only backups in this game, as the UAB game is merely the precursor to the fucking insane Florida-Auburn-(N Illinois)-Georgia gauntlet, two of which (Florida and Georgia) will get to rest up before playing the Vols. Ouch.

Your random "what on earth happened here" moment of the week comes courtesy of a little nugget of info from ESPN. I still have yet to figure out how Crompton should be responsible for the offensive sets when most of the time that normally falls on the offensive coordinator. So not only are we learning a new offense with a new QB, he's also moonlighting as the OC? We're not paying him enough for that. Who the fuck do you think we are, Ohio State?

Vanderbilt v. Rice
I actually like Rice in a mild upset here; sure, Rice can’t play defense to save their lives (much like the rest of C-USA), but it’s not like Vandy is really known for having an offense, ever. Chase Clement may be the second-best QB Vanderbilt faces all year, which is saying something, and Jarett Dillard may be the second-best WR. This won’t go well, but this is still your Stupidly Entertaining Game of the Week, even if the matchup screams Raycom Special.

Kentucky v. Middle Tennessee State
This is kind of a lateral move for MTSU, who go from getting Maryland at home to playing Kentucky on the road. Unlike last week, I do expect Kentucky to win pretty easily, as their game against Louisville means either the defense should be really good or the Cardinals are just that bad. My suspicion is it’s a bit of both, but the Wildcats should have plenty on D to contain the Blue Raiders, even if their offense resembles the orphans in a “We Are the World” TV special.

Arkansas @ Texas
(This game has been pushed back to September 27th. The preview, however, is going to remain.)
Fucking hell, why wasn’t this game last year? That would’ve been awesome and a half: strength v. strength with two of the best RBs in the country against a solid Longhorn front seven. Instead, we get a team that should’ve lost to Western Fucking Illinois playing a likely still-pissed Texas squad ready to rip their heads off their necks and stuff them so far up their ass they can see the stars. Yeah, I like Arkansas’ chances here, big time – provided they start the game up 21-0.

Auburn @ Mississippi State
I was a lot more excited about this game before I realized that Wesley Carroll was even shittier than expected. Now, there’s no real excuse why Auburn shouldn’t roll here, as Anthony Dixon is a good RB (but Ben Tate is better, and Brad Lester is about equal) and Carroll might be semi-competent in this game (and he still couldn’t hold Kodi Burns’ jock), but the defenses will tell the tale here. I expect the Bulldogs to need at least one defensive / special teams score to really have a shot here, and even with that they’ll lose by 14.

Georgia @ South Carolina
This game was fucking hideous to watch last year, even if the end result was schadenfreudically fantastic. If South Carolina is as good as (Phil Steele) advertised, they should make this game close. By the same token, Georgia has a weird habit of playing down to South Carolina’s level over the last few years; the Bulldogs should win the game, but just because they shouldn’t doesn’t necessarily mean that they will. Still, in terms of pressure, this game should be pretty low-key for UGA, as everyone will be watching (and likely voting) the USC-(t)OSU winner #1 in the polls. Nothing makes life easier like nobody paying attention to a potential stinkbomb, because this game was Special Olympics Central last year.

Pac 10 Week 2 Games

The Pac 10 had a strong week 1 outing, capped by USC's thorough dismantling on Virginia and UCLA's upset/comeback victory over Tennessee in a flagrantly bad game... but sometimes games go like that and you'd still like the W.

USC and UCLA have the week off while we've got two conference games and two games against ranked nonconference foes on the plate. Exciting week for those of you on the east coast who can stay up till 3pm to see it!

BYU @ Washington
Fortunately for the Huskies, I don't see BYU's defense as being too strong, and Jake Locker could be trouble for such a unit. Max Hall and his receivers will probably light up the UW secondary, so expect a shootout here.

Oregon State @ Penn State
Happy Valley is not a fun place to travel for a team who started out 0-1 and had blatantly obvious issues with stopping the run. Luckily, PSU will be without two starting defensive linemen, although I'm still not sure how the Beavers will handle this front seven. For that matter, I'm still not sure how good Daryll Clark actually is, so Penn State might not be scoring too much themselves. Still, they have a dedication to the running game and surprising skill at receiver. Bottom line, I don't like the prospects of winning this one of the road for OSU.

A victory in either of the above games would be yet another big early accomplishment for the Pac 9. (Pac 10 - USC; ie, the teams that sometimes struggle to gain national respect)

Utah State @ Oregon
Oregon just brutalized Washington in their opener, racking up tons of rushing yards by Jeremiah Johnson and Chris Harper while holding opposing QB Jake Locker to a sub-par outing. Utah State is just terrible. Blowout!

California @ Washington State
I mentioned earlier that this game would be interesting if both teams were 1-0. Well, they're not. Cal is, but the Cougars didn't even come close. The WSU offense looked awful against Oklahoma State, while Cal moved the ball up and down the field with ease against Michigan State. With Kevin Riley now taking all snaps for Cal, this one won't even be close.

Toledo @ Arizona
Arizona faces much stiffer competition this week than they did in week 1 when they beat Idaho 70-0. I'm thinking, 41-6?

Stanford @ Arizona State
Stanford dominated the ground against Oregon State, while Arizona State couldn't get a ground game going against Northern Arizona. Stanford was also horribly outpassed by OSU, while ASU may have the 2nd-best QB in the conference. Bonus that we've got two pretty good coaches going at it (yes, I think Harbaugh's 4-8 was a good record last season considering the injuries and what he was working with and against) here, this could actually be a good games despite Arizona State being the heavy favorite.

Big 12 Week 2 Games

The Big 12 spent most of week 1 doing what they were supposed to do. Three flagship teams won by giant margins. Missouri beat Illinois. Tech's game was closer than they'd like, but Harrell still got halfway to his first 1000 yards. A&M looked worse than expected, but OSU and CU looked better. In the end, one week into the season, they appeared weaker than the SEC but slightly ahead of the rest of the pack - this season should be tougher than usual for teams trying to make it through the Big 12.

San Jose State @ Nebraska
Joe Ganz threw for four TDs and 345 yards last week as Nebraska struggled to run the ball against Western Michigan. SJ State was barely able to sneak by Cal-Davis and shouldn't provide as much of a challenge to the Huskers' defense as Western Michigan somehow did. (which will be a real concern later in the season) Expect a blowout here as Pelini will want Nebraska to ramp up their execution with an upcoming game against Virginia Tech followed by conference play.

Cincinnati @ Oklahoma
Both teams had impressive week 1's, but we know who the juggernaught here is. The game is also played in Norman, where OU now has a 55-2 record under Stoops. This game will probably be more ugly than midwest fans think, as the Sooners will dominate both lines and Sam Bradford looks even better than he did a season ago. I'm expecting big games from him and Demarco Murray, while Cincy gets held to 14 or less.

Eastern Washington @ Colorado
Colorado looked sharp in an unusual rout of inter-state rival Colorado State. Dan Hawkins clearly liked the production of Darrell Scott and will probably increase his workload as the season goes on. Cody Hawkins looked very efficient and accounted for three TDs, showing a new wrinkle in the offense by running the ball a little more often than we've seen in the past. EWU threw the ball with great success against Texas Tech but was held to just 23 yards rushing. Colorado's defense appeared susceptible to the power run but relatively good against the pass (high completion percentage due to many flares and bubble screens), so I'm not sure what to expect from the EWU offense. Probably not enough to upset the Buffs.

Texas A&M @ New Mexico
Can they go 0-2? Sadly this is going to be a good game; I expect A&M will win but it will be something like 16-10 as both teams showed horrible offensive ineptitude in week 1. If you're reading this for fantasy, do not start any A&M players. In fact, don't do that ever again for the rest of this season.

SE Missouri @ Missouri
This has all the makings of a Spurrier-esque week 2 blowout. Jeremy Maclin is probable, and that's a tough call for fantasy owners because if he plays he'll probably put up big numbers. Of course Daniel, Washington, Coffman, and anybody else on this offense are going to have big games. The defense will probably be looking for some respect after giving up 42 points last week - expect a single-digit score given up on their part.

La Tech @ Kansas
La Tech won an improbable victory over Mississippi State, and their reward is to play a much tougher opponent in Kansas. The Jayhawks didn't have the strongest offensive outing against FIU but surrendered just 139 yards and created 3 turnovers. The secondary in particular was fearsome, allowing a 35% completion rate for 0 TD and 2 picks. I expect a better offensive performance out of Reesing, but I'm not sure how the ground game will fare. Regardless, the defense isn't going to allow many points to a team like La Tech.

Kent State @ Iowa State
Kent State was shut out by Boston College in their opener and now face an improved Iowa State team. Austen Arnaud had a strong week 1 outing but it was the Cyclones defense with five interceptions that made the lopsided score. The reality is that, while improved, ISU is still in the cellar of the division. This is a possible upset, but I'd still give ISU the nod.

Northwestern State @ Baylor
Baylor gave a pathetic performance against Wake Forest, turning the ball over 5 times while getting blown out at home. The bright side is that the yardage differential was just 126, something they'll more than reverse against the likes of NW State. Robert Griffin appears to be the focal point of this offense; keep an eye on him... um, if for some reason you watch this.

Montana State @ Kansas State
Montana State looked amazing in their opener, just blowing out Adams State 59-3. Oh what am I saying, I don't even know what division Adams State is in. It'll probably play out like the North Texas game did, which means big numbers for Josh Freeman and Brandon Banks.

Houston @ Oklahoma State
OSU was very impressive on the road against Washington State, even if the Cougars are expected to take one of the bottom spots in the Pac 10. Kendall Hunter had a strong first game and should be utilized effectively again -- I'm not reading too deeply into UH allowing just 35 yards rushing vs Southern. Of course I expect Zac Robinson to throw a couple TDs this time, perhaps to favorite target Dez Bryant who WSU had no answer for.

Texas Tech @ Nevada
The Red Raiders' defense was embarassed by Eastern Washington's passing game, now they face a Nevada team who ran the ball for 426 yards in their opener against Grambling State. I'm not making picks on GSU's point totals either way, but is Nevada really going to stop Graham Harrell fresh off a 536 yard outing? The answer is no. Harrell has found his new targets and it'll be another 500 yard performance -- enough offensive firepower that the defense merely determines how close this one is.

Texas @ UTEP
Texas gave one of the stronger week 1 performances in the Big 12. John Chiles gave the offense more of an option look, but indeed Colt McCoy showed that he also has wheels as the team's leading rusher! McCoy's performance was everything Longhorn fans wanted to see last season. The Horns used three backs and really spread the ball out amongst receivers - great for an offense, not great for a fantay owner. McCoy is probably in for a big game against UTEP though. Meanwhile the Miners lost a blowout to MAC foe Buffalo. How does that even happen? This week's game will be a blowout of epic proportions.

ACC Week 2 Games: Believe it or not, the ACC Is Still a FBS Conference

(Disclaimer: Chris drew the short straw and got stuck writing about the god-awful football abomination known as the ACC. If you’re actually a fan of any of these teams and/or enjoy watching these guys play, we at Left Field Bluffs kindly suggest shock therapy.)

After spending most of Week 1 getting their respective teeth kicked in, the ACC decided as a collective to lower the degree of difficulty. True, most teams are in action, but we see a total of 5 (!) 1-AA opponents roll onto the schedule. Alabama gets replaced with The Citadel, East Carolina gets replaced with Furman, USC gets replaced with Richmond, and (t)USC gets replaced with William & Mary. Good show. Presumably the conference will improve their winning percentage, although since we do have an in-conference game it’s guaranteed that at least one ACC team will win against a 1-A team. Who had week 2 in the pool?

Clemson v. The Citadel
Presumably Clemson will roll out the first ever non-QB formation as punishment for not running the fucking ball at all against a defense that has no freaking linebackers whatsoever. Seriously, what the fuck? It’s that kind of incompetence I’ve come to expect from Florida State, not early-season Clemson. Of course, it won’t matter here if Clemson decides to actually shit on the field during play.

Virginia v. Richmond (-3)
Okay, so Richmond really isn’t favored here, but you had to think about that for a second, didn’t you? Admit it. This game will be about as useful as the USC game for determining how good Virginia actually is; I’ll give the Cavaliers the benefit of the doubt and assume they have more talent than a 1-AA team nicknamed the Spiders. That being said, I wouldn’t be too surprised at a total fail here.

NC State v. William & Mary (-4.5)
In case NC State didn’t look bad enough last week, now we get to watch them (likely) struggle against a William & Mary team apparently named the Tribe. Who knew? They should win, but …ehhhhh. We’ll have to see.

Virginia Tech v. Furman
Okay, this time I’m reasonably confident that the ACC team will be favored to win here, as bad as the Hokies looked against ECU. Bonus points: not only is one of the prominent colors of Furman purple, they are actually named Furman University. That’s right, who’s ready to turn 12? It’s a shame they can’t play South Carolina. As for this game, I suspect it’ll border on hideous game quality with Virginia Tech winning by 17 or so. That qualifies as a blowout.

Florida State v. Directional (West) Carolina
Not content to open the season with just a bye week, Florida State has also scheduled two 1-AA opponents in a row. Western Carolina is the first of them; presumably after these two games Drew Weatherford (now entering his 14th year of eligibility) will have a completion percentage around, oh, 65%. This will give him a buffer to suck for the rest of the season.

Maryland @ Middle Tennessee State
I have no idea how MTSU conned Maryland into doing a home-and-home series. This will be a huge step up in difficulty for the Terrapins, who go from struggling to beat a 1-AA team to playing a Sun Belt team on the road. The good news for them is that the field quality between MTSU and Maryland is approximately equal, so that part won’t be different for them. Actually, I wouldn’t be too surprised if MTSU wins this game, as Maryland has a pretty craptastic offense and Sun Belt teams have sneakily good offenses (to go with crazy bad defenses). I like MTSU in a mild upset, but I also have a big-ass disdain for Maryland football, so keep that in mind.

Miami (FL) @ Florida
I love the scheduling choice / decision to head up to the Swamp; I don’t love the inevitable teeth-kicking that will result. I don’t think Miami has much of a shot to actually win the game, but watch for improvement in schemes; if the offense can at least look competent against the Florida D, the Hurricanes could be in good shape in-conference. The defense has no shot, but that’s okay – not many defenses do. If Miami can keep it within three scores (without Florida letting up), then they’re in good shape.

Duke v. Northwestern
Duke aims for two wins in a row – both period and against Northwestern. I’m not sure how they won the game last year, but this Duke team is much improved. It’ll be interesting to see how they fare against a quality opponent, even if we have to at least consider adding air quotes around quality. This could be the ACC’s version of the Bizarrely Entertaining Game of the Week. I’d love it if Duke won, but I’m not too sure it’ll actually happen, as I’m sure Northwestern has had this game circled on their calendar for days. If this game was in Week 10, I’d feel better about picking Duke, but now? I’m not so sure.

Wake Forest v. Ole Miss
Holy cow, it’s actually two teams with talent! After the shit-kicking Alabama laid on Clemson, it wouldn’t surprise me too much if Ole Miss wins this; however, I’d much rather see Wake Forest take this game to at least kind of restore some dignity to the ACC …..oh, who am I kidding? Rebels by 28! That being said, this game is the front-runner for the coveted 60 Minutes of Fan Hell award of the week. The real winner of this game will be anyone who bought advertising, as they’ll get their money’s worth due tot the sheer quantity of punts likely to occur.

Boston College v. Georgia Tech
This is going to be an interesting in-conference tuneup for Georgia Tech, as Boston College is kind of a poor man’s Virginia Tech this year. I suspect that the Yellow Jackets will be able to mostly do what they want on offense, provided they can get out of their own way. Boston College is in a similar boat, trying to adapt the offense to their new QB. I wouldn’t recommend watching this game, although if you’re the type of person who likes watching ACC football (and self-immolation), this would be your Game o’th’ Week.

SEC Week 2 Games - This Time Published in Advance

So, what’d we see last week? South Carolina looked like ass for three quarters, then put in Chris Smelley and destroyed a horribly overmatched NC State team. Vanderbilt decided they were actually going to try this football fad for real this season, and Chris Nickson turned in the best performance of his career. (We won’t see that again.) Florida, and Georgia rolled pretty comfortably. Alabama inexplicably won, in some part thanks to the return of Jeff Bowden as unbilled offensive coordinator for Clemson. Memphis did what they did best - lose to Ole Miss - and Mississippi State wished they had it so lucky, blowing a game to Louisiana Freaking Tech. (Apparently Wesley Carroll did just enough to lose that game.) Tennessee decided to choke away a nice statement win, and Louisville choked at the prospect of playing FBS competition. Way to go, Wildcats. We assume LSU won handily, since we didn’t hear anything about them not winning handily and that’s good enough for us.

So what’s in store this week? Well, a lot of this looks like Week 1 – lopsided out-of-conference games, one somewhat interesting matchup – except we actually have a conference game this time around! Of course, we don’t have anything on the magnitude of Alabama / Clemson, so that’s the tradeoff. Let’s get to it:

Alabama v. Tulane
This game would’ve been a lot of fun last year, as I suspect it would’ve turned out a lot like UCF-Texas only with Tulane winning. I’m not sure ‘Bama would have an answer for Matt Forte, and I’m not sure they do now. The problem is that Forte’s at the next level now and while Andre Anderson is good, he’s not game-breaking good, not in this game. Alabama should roll, and we’ll see a few Julio Jones highlights, up to and including every single Alabama fan you know talking about how Jones is going to do the same thing to SEC defenses and completely ignoring that Tulane has one of the worst defenses in C-USA, which is like being the poorest person in Haiti.

Arkansas v. UL-Monroe
UL-Monroe continues their SEC swing, this time playing a team who’s a bit closer to them in talent level. This should be their best chance to pull off a marquee non-conference win, but after upsetting Alabama they’re not sneaking up on anyone this time around. I expect a pretty closely-fought game here, but Petrino ends up opening up the playbook big-time come the second half and ULM can’t quite keep up. Honestly, I hope that doesn’t happen – I really want to see ULM roll big here, as I’m still annoyed at what the Arkansas fans did to Nutt – but I think there’s just enough of a talent disparity to throw it in Arkansas’s favor. In addition, getting pushed to the limit by Directional Illinois probably scared the shit out of them.

Mississippi State v. Directional (Southeast) Louisiana, Georgia v. Non-Directional (Central) Michigan
Look, both these games are going to be non-factors. Do you even know what conference SE Louisiana is in? I don’t. I know which conference Central Michigan is in, but that’s because I’m a nerd – and the MAC is apparently the Michigan Athletic Conference. Still, there’s no reason both Bulldogs shouldn’t roll here. Although I said the same thing last week about MSU, so ...yeah, I should know better.

Kentucky v. Norfolk State
Norfolk isn’t a state; it’s barely even a freaking city. I hope Kentucky at least sprung for plane tickets for these guys; nothing would suck more than taking a bus from Norfolk to Lexington to get rocked, and then driving back. But at least they tried.

LSU v. Troy
Again, this game would be awesome if it wasn’t for LSU being so obviously better than Troy. Still, Troy is turning into the East Coast version of Fresno State, which is pretty freaking badass. They’ll get their skulls caved in here, but they’re a quality team. Troy @ Alabama? I’d watch that. But this – this is going to be a mess, especially because LSU will still be in early season, fuck-you-up-so-bad-your-mama-won’t-recognize-you mode.
Edit: this game was postponed due to Hurricane Gustav. So much for that early-season mode, but let's hear it for bye weeks and hope for the best in Baton Rouge, as Louisiana's kind of been shit on by Mother Nature lately. Bitch better pay her child support is all I'm saying.

Florida v. Miami (FL)
There’s no reason Florida shouldn’t walk in this game, but dear god, let’s hope Randy Shannon has the troops ready to roll here. I mean, if you have the Miami Fuckin’ Soldiers against Ronnie “AK-47” Wilson, this should turn into a regular firefight. I suspect this game will come down to who can generate better coverage on D and effectively blast between the tackles on offense. Florida should win this, simply because they have so much more ammunition than the ‘Canes..

Auburn v. Southern Mississippi
Here’s your most likely candidate for “Stupidly Entertaining Game of the Week” – at least from the SEC. Southern Miss can normally put together a solid 45-50 minute effort against most SEC teams, and I don’t think it’s too likely Tony Franklin will totally unveil the playbook for the Tigers just yet, meaning Auburn will go into this game with an underdeveloped offensive game plan. That would be okay against most teams, but Damion Fletcher will be the best RB on the field and it’s not even close. Fortunately for Auburn, they have a passing game to complement their running game, which is something that USM has been hearing rumors about for a while but haven’t actually done anything about yet. Still, Southern Miss will keep it close enough that you’ll wonder if they can pull the upset once they’re down 10-7 at halftime.

Ole Miss @ Wake Forest
For the love of god and all that is holy, don’t watch this game. I’m not even kidding. I want to like watching Wake Forest, but they play a freaking hideous brand of football, which apparently the entire freaking ACC has copied. Houston Nutt will be all too eager to play a whose-dick-is-bigger contest of smashmouth football, which will play right into Jim Grobe’s hands. It’s weird – I like Wake Forest the team and yet I have no desire to actually watch them. I suspect I’m not giving Ole Miss as much credit as I should, but this really looks like a 13-10 type of game, and if it comes down to kicking, Sam Swank is way better than anything the Rebels can muster.

Vanderbilt v. South Carolina
The “main event”! I suspect this game might actually end up somewhere other than Jefferson Pilot Raycom ESPN360 if only because it’s the second week of the season – and by god, it’s a conference game. Will it be great football? Hardly. Will be exciting? Possibly. Will you watch it because it’s a fecking conference game, and by god, that’s what you’re supposed to watch when it comes to college football? Absolutely. But don’t say you weren’t warned.

College Football: Week 2 Preview (updated)

Week 2: Um, Yeah... Weekend!

It's week 2, which we all know is the week that comes between week 1 and week 3. And there are some games this week! Woohoo!

Georgia Tech @ Boston College
Don't laugh now, but ACC title position could be at stake here. OK, go ahead and laugh.
Analysis: I don't even want to think about what this atrocity is going to look like.
Pick: not the fans. Maybe BC?

BYU @ Washington
I originally had this slated as an upset in the Huskies' favor. Then BYU looked a lot better than I thought on opening week while Washington got killed by Oregon. I'm going to stick with my guns here, but without a lot of confidence.
Pick: Washington

Oregon State @ Penn State
Meh. Ehhhhh. This is one of those games where, if they played it ten times, one of them would be good. Are you feeling lucky, punk? I'm not.
Oregon State's last trip to the Midwest didn't go so great.. and that was Cincinnati. (when does a trip to Cincy ever get described as "great" though? by going there, you've already lost something) The Beavers' offense looked great against Stanford, but they were also gashed on the ground by a team much less physical than Penn State. PSU is a superior defensive team and without Morelli they won't throw enough picks to lose this one.
Pick: Penn State

Sandy Eggo State @ Notre Dame
It never gets old writing San Diego like that. You know what else never gets old? Watching Jimmy Claussen take shot after shot when this line can't hold long enough to take a three-step drop. I don't know if Notre Dame is bad enough to lose to SDSU, but... maybe.
Realistically, neither team's offense is going to look great, but Charlie Weiss will have just enough of a "decided schematic advantage" drawn up for the Domers to win by two TDs.
Pick: Notre Dame, dammit

Mississippi @ Wake Forest
This one got promoted to key game status when we realized exactly how awful the ACC really is this season. Wake looked strong against Baylor, while Ole Miss handled Memphis.
2-3 years ago, most of the shit-talk I personally heard about the Big East was coming from ACC fans. Was it a regional thing... or was it conveniently deflecting criticism of this awful conference? Bottom line is, karma is catching up with the ACC. Wake's (probably?) the better team, but this is the year shit hits the fan out east.
Pick: Mississippi

Cincinnati @ Oklahoma
This game appears relevent because Cincinnati beat Oregon State, Rutgers, USF, and UConn last season in addition to winning 10 games. In reality, it's not. The Bearcats pull off a couple conference upsets each season, but on the road at Oklahoma they're going to get massacred.
It'll go something like this: Oklahoma scores on every drive, Cincy gets a lucky TD in the third quarter.
Pick: Oklahoma

West Virginia @ East Carolina
Not what I thought would be a key game a few weeks ago. East Carolina pulled off an upset-in-name-only last week at Virginia Tech. They'll need a stronger performance against WVU to win, but fortunately this is a home game and the Mounties just gave up 400 yards to Villanova. It's tough to beat WVU in a shootout, but with White's new pass-oriented offense maybe the Pirates can get some turnovers to swing things.
I'm not feeling this, though. I think it'll be a great game, but ECU isn't sneaking up on anybody thing week. Stopping VT's offense and stopping WVU's offense are two entirely different stories.
Pick: West Virginia

Northwestern @ Duke
Last season, Northwestern made history by giving Duke their only win in two seasons. Along with Clemson, the Wildcats are one of just two division FBS teams Duke has beaten in the last four years. In week 1, Duke stomped James Madison while Northwestern struggled for a half against Syracuse before putting the game away in the third quarter.
Don't watch this, but have the jokes ready to send to Big 10 fans should the Devils beat the same opponent in consecutive seasons for the first time since 1998-99 (Wake Forest). Can Cutcliffe make the difference at Duke? Who cares - I'm picking the result based on how comic it would be. Pick: Duke

Miami @ Florida
We think the Hurricanes finally found an offense, though playing Charleston Southern has a lot to do with that. We don't expect Miami to have much chance of winning, but seeing how they fare against an elite SEC team could give insight as to how this team will fare in a weakened ACC. Frankly, if they do have an offense, they have a shot at winning the conference.
Pick: Florida

Projected ESPN/USA Top Ten
1. USC
2. Georgia
3. Ohio State
4. Oklahoma
5. Florida
6. LSU
7. Missouri
8. Texas (+1)
9. West Virginia (-1)
10. Auburn

SEC Week 1 Games (kind of)

Apparently I need to fly more; it’s the only time I actually write anything. Still, with James going and writing about all the exciting games, I figured I’d continue the long-established trend of spending way more time talking about the SEC at the expense of lesser conferences (Jim Delaney, you’re awesome!) – so let’s talk Week 1 games across the SEC. Maybe I’ll actually put this post up on time, but I doubt it.

South Carolina v. NC State
Yeah, this one’s already happened, but if I would’ve written something like: South Carolina QB struggles, is replaced by South Carolina QB who does much better, all the while NC State shits their pants, would you have known if I wrote it on Friday or Wednesday? My point exactly.

Vanderbilt @ Miami (OH)
Hey, at least some SEC teams travel for opening week! Fittingly in this case, it’s the bottom-of-the-barrel Commodores. To be brunt, I didn’t expect them to kick the Indians Redhawks teeth in like they did, but I guess Chris Nickson is due a good game every two years or so. Then again, I thought he could be a poor man’s Tebow last year, which was wrong on more levels than I can even begin to fathom.

Florida v. Hawaii
This game would’ve been entertaining as all hell last year – picture the Sugar Bowl, only without the Georgia secondary and with a front seven that has to actually blitz to put pressure on the QB – but sadly, June Jones and Colt Brennan have both left. This means the Warriors to get play in the Swamp at the end of October, when the heat index will be, oh, 140 or so. Yeah, have fun with that.

Georgia v. Georgia Southern
I’d give Georgia shit for scheduling this, but having seen the rest of their schedule, never mind. They’ll keep everyone healthy and won’t win by as big a margin as you’d expect, but that’s because Richt will rest everyone from the second quarter on. It’s like the preseason, but it counts.

Arkansas v. Directional (West) Illinois
Let’s get the cupcakes out of the way while we’re at it; I don’t expect Arkansas to be any good, but I have no idea where Western Illinois even is. Wonder if this is near East St. Louis, in which case these guys would be straight thuggin’, bitch. As it is, they’ll get wrecked and this will be the only time all season Casey Dick looks like a semi-decent QB.

Auburn v. UL-Monroe
ULM is the better of the ULUCrew, but that doesn’t mean a whole lot against an Auburn team I’ll willingly admit I have an unhealthy obsession with. If the Tigers are smart, they don’t unveil everything and approach this game looking a hell of a lot like they did before the Clemson game last year; power game on the ground, rely on Tate, Lester, and Fannin, and pass just enough to get a little bit of experience. No sense in getting worked up yet.

Mississippi State @ Louisiana Tech
Apparently everyone’s playing Louisiana this week or something. Weird. Either way, this will be a closer-than-you’d-guess game, but pretty hideous. In other words, I’m not sold that Wesley Carroll is any good or that the Bulldogs have any WRs, period – even if there are people lining up there. The Bulldog defense should be nasty enough to carry them, though.

LSU v. Appalachian State
Who knows when this game will actually be played – it moved from 5 PM to 11 AM today, meaning LSU fans have six hours of drinking to make up (when asked, LSU fans responded with, “WOOOOOOOO [puke]”, so they seem to be okay). As for the game, I almost wish LSU was a bit worse than they actually are, as I think their first two games (they play next week against Troy) could be pretty fun games if they weren’t so obviously outclassing their opponents. Maybe they can trade schedules with Alabama or something, but that’d probably be too much to ask.

Ole Miss v. Memphis
This is kind of a one-sided rivalry – Ole Miss wrecks Memphis, Memphis gets pissed, gets up for the game next year, gets wrecked, repeat until done. Ole Miss actually leads the series 45-10-2, but it certainly seems closer than that. Memphis was inexplicably terrible last year, but they should be a bit better this time around. The only problem with that is you can say the exact same about Ole Miss. As a result, I’d expect Ole Miss to win, but like the last few years, it won’t be by more than a touchdown, but I also see no reason to think either team will score less than 28. This could easily be a candidate for “Stupidly Entertaining Game of the Week.”

Kentucky @ Louisville
Last year, Kentucky beat an incorrectly-ranked #9 Louisville team; obviously, they weren’t that good, and both teams head into this game with a plethora of unanswered questions. Louisville’s been remarkably quiet given how much noise was generated about them over the last few years, which could mean Steve Kragthorpe finally has a handle on things. He’s a smart, offensive-minded coach and I expect the Cardinals to be markedly better this year. Actually, I expect Louisville to win here (in what could probably be termed a mini-upset). Kentucky still has a ton of questions on offense, and with the turnover both these teams faced last year, I’ll trust the more experienced QB – in this case, Louisville’s Hunter Cantwell.

Alabama v. Clemson (in Atlanta)
And here’s the other SEC loss of opening weekend. If Clemson can make it through their non-conference schedule unscathed (and not inexplicably decide to blow games by passing 75% of the time; yes, Cullen Harper is good, but you have the two best RBs in the ACC, freaking use them), they should walk in-conference. No other ACC team has even close to the offensive firepower they have, and their defense isn’t going to be bad enough to hurt them. Alabama is still probably a year away at this point, but they’ll keep it closer than it should be due to talent. Along the same lines, we may see a record for “Gayest Articles Written about a QB-WR Duo”, as we’re already up to double digits for the John Parker Wilson-Julio Jones combo. LFB will stay on top of this story as it unfolds, because any opportunity to call a Tide player gay simply can’t be missed.

Tennessee @ UCLA
Your Labor Day main event features a redefined team against the Red Cross International. Seriously, UCLA is already wrecked and the season hasn’t started yet; their best bet to win is to turn the game into a Raycom-style ACC affair. For the uninitiated, that means ugly, ugly, hideous, nasty, defensive play and an offense that might pass once every five drives. Tennessee, of course, shouldn’t have a problem playing that way, although I think everyone’s underestimating the Bruins a little bit. Not a ton, but a little bit, and that’s enough to have me a little worried. I think Tennessee wins here, but it’s closer than a lot of people give it credit for.

Next up: we finally see a SEC in-conference game! Quality opponents need not apply.

As an aside, since we’re still in flight up here, I must say seeing inter-cloud lightning from above the clouds is pretty freaking cool. I’m not going to lie.

College Football Preview: Week 5

Week 5: And Hey, September's Almost Over... Weekend

Week 5 arrives. You've made it through two weekends of horrible football followed by two weekends where you didn't sleep because you were watching two games at a time while TiVo'ing another that you watched at 1am. Get ready for something that's completely the average of the two.

Wisconsin @ Michigan
It's an interesting game, because Wisconsin has no QB and it's on the road.
Upset alert right here. If there's one thing Michigan's defense still can do, it's stop a bland power-running team. Surely RichRod will have figured out some kind of offensive scheme to make this unit semi-potent, which is more than they'll need to outscore the one-dimensional Badgers at home.
Pick: Michigan

Virginia Tech @ Nebraska
When Nebraska has the ball, it'll be good offense vs good defense. When VT has the ball, I'm changing the channel. On the one hand, it's got to be tempting to just not risk throwing the interception and punt on first down. On the other hand, Nebraska's Black Shirt Red Carpet defense generally tacks on an extra 50% to your QB's completion percentage, so you've got to figure Glennon can complete one in every three.
This has a lot of upset potential particularly since it's played in Nebraska. VT lost Eddie Royal, Josh Hyman, Josh Morgan, and Branden Ore on offense which leaves them with exactly nothing. Nebraska counters with losing Bo Ruud, Corey McKeon, Steve Octavien, and Cortney Grixby on defense. Did I mention I'm changing the channel when VT has the ball? You really do have to realize that VT is going to field one of the worst offenses of anyone with a winning record in 2008 (along with half the rest of the ACC). Nebraska does return four offensive linemen, Marlon Lucky, and Joe Ganz on offense, so they should at least be able to get something going by late September. I still think VT holds them largely in check, but Glennon will turn the ball over just enough for the Huskers to pull it off.
Pick: Nebraska

Tennessee @ Auburn
We'll see how both teams follow up a huge divisional rivalry. I'm expecting Auburn to be coming off a close, draining win and Tennessee to be fired up to redeem themselves after a 30+ point loss.
Does it matter, though? Auburn's the better team and it's a home game for them. It'll be close and for sure there's upset potential if Auburn's offense exceeds our preseason expectations the way it has the last three seasons... I just don't see it happening. Fortunately, we'll know a lot more about both of these teams - especially their offenses - after the first four weeks, so this will be more worth talking about then.
Pick: Auburn

Fresno State @ UCLA
It's yet another road game against a Big 6 school for the Bulldogs. Clearly Pat Hill has no intention of playing in the BCS bowls; otherwise he would have scheduled Northern Colorado and Charlteson-Southern. At least they're playing in their home state, and UCLA still has no QB. They should really address that issue.
Pick: Fresno State

Purdue @ Notre Dame
If Notre Dame is 0-3 going in, they're going to be 0-4 coming out. Not, not "coming out" in that sense - we've known about Jimmy for some time now. Curtis Painter is an elite Big Ten QB (*snicker*)... oh god, I can't even finish typing that... but hey, compared to Jimmy Claussen? Yeah, that's what I thought.
Pick: Purdue

Illinois @ Penn State
Last season, this was a surprise upset and a statement game for Illinois. Everybody expects them to be just good enough again to get massacred in the BCS for their third time overall, so they're not sneaking up on anybody this season. Should be a good game.
Pick: Penn State

If the whole month plays out like this, here's what things would look like going into October:
* The bloggers at leftfieldbluffs made a shitload of money placing bets on college football games.
* The nation is rabidly salivating over Ohio State, once again! They can't lose three in a row! Only Jim Kelly could pull off something greater than that!
* Notre Dame has another winless September. (assuming the only game we miss is SDSU/ND)
* Everyone has forgotten that we expect Oklahoma to play well in September but not in January.
* In a 2004 redux, Auburn will have had an amazing first third of the season but still find themselves ranked behind teams who started off higher and don't face the same top caliber of opposition.
* It's just about time for Clemson to forget that they have two amazing runningbacks. They have almost two weeks to figure out if it's possible for them to lose to Wake Forest.
* Michael Crabteee has already caught more TDs than any QB not named Graham Harrell is going to throw for in 2008.
* Utah is revealed as the lone legitimate contender for "BCS Buster."

Projected ESPN/USA Top Ten
1. Ohio State (god help us all)
2. Georgia
3. Oklahoma
4. Florida
5. Missouri
6. USC
7. Auburn (+2)
8. Clemson (-1)
9. West Virginia (-1)
10. Kansas


So that closes the first half of this little experiment - and yes, I put almost zero effort into the week 5 posting. Expect each week to be updated as a new post following the previous week's games, and maybe expect me to do this for October following week 5.