Which SEC teams...

....are tops in their divisions?

Man, this one's easy. Sometimes it's nice to write about a conference that's entirely figured out before the championship game.

ACC Week 11 Games: Whirlpool of Shit

(Disclaimer: rooting for any ACC team other than Georgia Tech or Duke is un-American. Since we only have another couple of months to say this, might as well get it out while we still can – TERRORIST!)

So there are a total of five teams in the ACC that don’t have two losses in-conference: Maryland, Clemson, Boston College, NC State, and Duke. Quick, which one of those teams has less than one loss? Admit it, you had to think about it. You wonder why I think this conference sucks goat rocks – well, now you know.

Virginia Tech v. Maryland

This should be …well, pretty idiotic. On one hand, Virginia Tech will be lucky if Sean Glennon plays a snap; they’re rolling out converted “QB” Cory Holt under center, with a backup TE serving as the emergency holy fuck we’re toast please don’t kill us too badly QB. They’ll be running an offense that would be one-dimensional if they’re lucky; really, they’re something less than a point. On the other hand, Maryland’s ranked and playing in a game they should win. Call it a draw. The Whirlpool of Suck calls for Virginia Tech to lose, increasing the number of three-loss conference teams; on the other hand, the Maryland Black Hole theory recognizes that Virginia Tech has no talent on offense and thus will allow over 30 points.

Boston College v. Notre Dame

JIMMAH! There’s no reason – god help us all – the Fighting Irish shouldn’t roll in this game; on the other hand, they’re coming damn close to ACC stupidity and Boston College hasn’t lost a non-conference game this season. (Ignore their non-conference slate has all the quality of warm poo.) BC’s fortunately already at three conference losses, so they’ll look a lot better by comparison next week regardless of what happens here.

Duke v. NC State

Look, someone’s gotta play at 12 PM on Raycom, and why not these guys? Both of these teams are already past the two-loss threshold, although an NC State loss would help to continue the conference’s pull towards the center, as five teams are going to lose a conference game this week. Pull for the Blue Devils and keep the whirlpool going. (Actually, in a mild shock, this game isn’t on Raycom. I had figured this was going to be a pile of shit the likes of which public access ACC football couldn’t avoid.)

Wake Forest v. Virginia

The wheels have fallen off at Wake, although that really implies the wheels were ever on at some point, which is flagrant and obvious bullshit. Sorry about that. Of course, Virginia just fucking blew it against Miami of all teams, so it’s not like we can count on them to do anything either. Someone’s going to get their third loss, and the team that doesn’t fuck it up will probably back into leading their division. People will think that means one of these teams is good. People are morons.

Florida State v. Clemson

Man, this game would’ve been a whole hell of a lot more fun if Tommy Bowden was still under fire. Would Bobby willingly put the ax to Tommy and move closer to having a shot at a bowl game much better than FSU deserves? Of course, Tommy went and fucked it up, so might as well take Clemson to roll comfortably here, since they’re in such disarray they have no business winning this game. Dabo Sweeney will call for an orange-out, even though the game’s on the road. If Clemson wins this, FSU picks up their third conference loss (which means maybe people will finally stop ranking this team – they beat TWO 1-AA teams. That’s why their record’s decent, pollsters.)

North Carolina v. Georgia Tech

Here we are – the two teams in the ACC that actually don’t look like rabid ass most of the time. I wouldn’t go so far as to call this a good game, but it might be decent. Of course, since it might actually be a decent game it’s on at 12 PM and is now a Raycom special. This means 7-3 awesomeness and a questioning of why the fuck we rank any teams in this terrible conference. On the plus side, someone’s guaranteed to pick up a third conference loss.

SEC Week 9 Games: WTF are they doing playing on Thursday?

Last week wasn’t terribly eventful in the SEC; sure, Tennessee had an excellent defensive game (and 34-3 at least looks like they got their shit together), but how much credit do we give for a dominating defensive performance against Mississippi State? Arkansas looked competent for three quarters, but that didn’t really matter in the end. LSU / South Carolina was largely craptastic (and for the record, that ref has already used up his eligibility, otherwise he’d be playing in the Big 12 this weekend). Vanderbilt / UGA and Ole Miss / Alabama were both entertaining, but the favorites won in both cases.

What does that leave us with? Well, it’s another mostly dead weekend – save a vicious Georgia / LSU tilt. Also, apparently it’s the Third Saturday in October, but don’t tell that to your calendar. Also, Auburn / West Virginia kicks off in half an hour, so let’s hope this is up in time, otherwise that preview is going to look pretty funny.

Auburn @ West Virginia
This definitely isn’t the dead game of the week, although both programs are arguably on life support. (This joke has been approved by the Corny Writers of ESPN Union.) However, it’s the game that begins the earliest this week, so it might as well be on top. It’s on Thursday, so let’s be honest – you’re watching it anyway, unless you’re one of those crazies who watch baseball. Don’t expect a great game, and I can’t really tell you a whole lot more than that other than this game will probably be a little bit ugly.

MTSU @ Mississippi State
Now, this is going to be pretty terrible. I’d almost give MTSU the edge (they beat Maryland! Remember this when the Terps somehow end up ranked), but Starkville is a black hole of offense. Expect a pretty hideous game, so be glad this isn’t on TV.

Kentucky @ Florida
I actually expect Kentucky to keep this closer than expected, but at the end of the day, this is still a Raycom game. [witty – okay, “witty” – banter about the teams goes here]

Duke @ Vanderbilt
That’s right – Vandy’s almost bowl-eligible! Unfortunately, they go up against the power football currently stationed in Durham, NC. God, the fact that anyone’s paying attention to this game is hilarious for so many reasons, but in the absence of any actual analysis, might as well take Duke for the upset. Vandy can just beat Tennessee later to get bowl-eligible.

Alabama @ Tennessee
It’s the Not Third Saturday in October! Of course, the Vols are more than likely going to get smoked here (which will probably do Fulmer in if he isn’t already toast, but that’s neither here nor there); I, on the other hand, will be watching to see if Eric Berry plays every snap as he damn well should. Berry is the world’s best argument for cloning.

Ole Miss @ Arkansas
As odd as it sounds, I am so incredibly pissed that this game isn’t on TV. Anything and everything could happen here, up to and including a forfeit. I hope Ole Miss wins by 84 and Nutt flips the bird to the Arkansas faithful as he walks off the field. Good riddance.

Georgia @ LSU
This should be badass, get-hyped-up-and-yell-like-hell football. That’s right, it’s a night game in Tiger Stadium, but if you think there’s going to be a blackout – well, that would actually be hilarious. Don’t count on it, though.