ACC Week 12 Games

(Disclaimer: there’s a strong possibility that the winner of the ACC will have three or more conference losses. Should anyone actually take this winner seriously, Left Field Bluffs strongly recommends psychotherapy treatment, in particular any game involving the following teams: Wake Forest, Virginia, NC State, Maryland, Virginia Tech, Florida State, Boston College, Miami, Georgia Tech (Jekyll version), Duke, and Clemson. God yes, Clemson.)

So we head into ACC Week 12 in good shape for the god-awful all shit breaking loose scenario: everyone in the conference having three losses. Six teams – half the conference – are still short that elusive third loss. Fortunately, of those six teams, four play this week. You know what that means; next week there will be no more than four teams having two losses. Fuck yes, let’s do this.

What we’re not going to do is talk about Virginia Tech and Miami, since I completely fail at getting this up on time. Um, again. Yeah, I know.

Duke @ Clemson

Clemson completely fucked up the “everyone in the ACC has four losses” dream scenario by not beating Florida State; since both these teams have four losses already, that’s out the window now. Even Clemson can’t get a doomsday scenario right this year. Real Americans root for Duke – at least for now.

Wake Forest @ NC State

God help us all, even we’re not crazy enough to think NC State has a shot to win any of their remaining games. Fortunately, we don’t need them to.

North Carolina @ Maryland

Maryland Black Hole theory predicts Maryland in a rout. Fortunately, both these teams only have two losses, so I’m okay with the Black Hole.

Boston College @ Florida State

We need BC to win this game, since they’re already sitting on three losses. Fortunately, Florida State just lost 5 guys to suspension for this game, so even though I’m fucking screwed and get this game as my 8 PM special.

ACC Week 11 Games: Whirlpool of Shit

(Disclaimer: rooting for any ACC team other than Georgia Tech or Duke is un-American. Since we only have another couple of months to say this, might as well get it out while we still can – TERRORIST!)

So there are a total of five teams in the ACC that don’t have two losses in-conference: Maryland, Clemson, Boston College, NC State, and Duke. Quick, which one of those teams has less than one loss? Admit it, you had to think about it. You wonder why I think this conference sucks goat rocks – well, now you know.

Virginia Tech v. Maryland

This should be …well, pretty idiotic. On one hand, Virginia Tech will be lucky if Sean Glennon plays a snap; they’re rolling out converted “QB” Cory Holt under center, with a backup TE serving as the emergency holy fuck we’re toast please don’t kill us too badly QB. They’ll be running an offense that would be one-dimensional if they’re lucky; really, they’re something less than a point. On the other hand, Maryland’s ranked and playing in a game they should win. Call it a draw. The Whirlpool of Suck calls for Virginia Tech to lose, increasing the number of three-loss conference teams; on the other hand, the Maryland Black Hole theory recognizes that Virginia Tech has no talent on offense and thus will allow over 30 points.

Boston College v. Notre Dame

JIMMAH! There’s no reason – god help us all – the Fighting Irish shouldn’t roll in this game; on the other hand, they’re coming damn close to ACC stupidity and Boston College hasn’t lost a non-conference game this season. (Ignore their non-conference slate has all the quality of warm poo.) BC’s fortunately already at three conference losses, so they’ll look a lot better by comparison next week regardless of what happens here.

Duke v. NC State

Look, someone’s gotta play at 12 PM on Raycom, and why not these guys? Both of these teams are already past the two-loss threshold, although an NC State loss would help to continue the conference’s pull towards the center, as five teams are going to lose a conference game this week. Pull for the Blue Devils and keep the whirlpool going. (Actually, in a mild shock, this game isn’t on Raycom. I had figured this was going to be a pile of shit the likes of which public access ACC football couldn’t avoid.)

Wake Forest v. Virginia

The wheels have fallen off at Wake, although that really implies the wheels were ever on at some point, which is flagrant and obvious bullshit. Sorry about that. Of course, Virginia just fucking blew it against Miami of all teams, so it’s not like we can count on them to do anything either. Someone’s going to get their third loss, and the team that doesn’t fuck it up will probably back into leading their division. People will think that means one of these teams is good. People are morons.

Florida State v. Clemson

Man, this game would’ve been a whole hell of a lot more fun if Tommy Bowden was still under fire. Would Bobby willingly put the ax to Tommy and move closer to having a shot at a bowl game much better than FSU deserves? Of course, Tommy went and fucked it up, so might as well take Clemson to roll comfortably here, since they’re in such disarray they have no business winning this game. Dabo Sweeney will call for an orange-out, even though the game’s on the road. If Clemson wins this, FSU picks up their third conference loss (which means maybe people will finally stop ranking this team – they beat TWO 1-AA teams. That’s why their record’s decent, pollsters.)

North Carolina v. Georgia Tech

Here we are – the two teams in the ACC that actually don’t look like rabid ass most of the time. I wouldn’t go so far as to call this a good game, but it might be decent. Of course, since it might actually be a decent game it’s on at 12 PM and is now a Raycom special. This means 7-3 awesomeness and a questioning of why the fuck we rank any teams in this terrible conference. On the plus side, someone’s guaranteed to pick up a third conference loss.

ACC Week 8 Games: Yet another week spent watching shitty regional coverage

(Disclaimer: just because Florida State is now 5-1 does not mean they’re good. Keep this in mind, pollsters, or someone will leave the bloodless head of your dog in your bed come Monday morning. Don’t drink the tomato juice you left in the fridge; consider this your only warning.)

Well, we’ve missed Florida / NC State; anyone who saw that game wishes they could burn it from their memory, so we’ve really done you a favor. Quite frankly, we should do the same for the rest of the ACC, but since we’re not that nice (and we, like the ACC, have it in for you on a deeply personal level), you get stuck with this shit.

Miami (FL) @ Duke
While we’ll be pulling for Duke in all their bastardized, Little-Giants-esque glory, if you think we’re actually going to watch them at any point this season you’re off your fucking rocker. Duke to win, you to do anything else other than watch this.

North Carolina @ Virginia
There’s no reason the Tar Heels shouldn’t roll; they’re conclusively better than the Cavs, whatever bullshit they pulled against Maryland (thanks again!). Of course, because this is the ACC and they like to piss all over your dreams of ever seeing even a semi-competent team I fully expect Virginia to win by 35 and nobody in Charlottesville will even fucking care. Oh, and we get this game on ABC instead of Ohio State / Michigan State. And you people wonder why I hate this fucking conference so hard.

Georgia Tech @ Clemson
Damn, the Clemson bandwagon caught on fire, lost all its wheels, and plowed off a cliff into a crowd of innocent bystanders watching SEC football. And Tommy Bowden got thrown under the bus so hard he’ll have tread marks on his back for years. What’s that mean – why, Clemson will win by 40. Fuck you, ACC.

Wake Forest @ Maryland
Let’s apply the black hole theory to Maryland; that means Maryland wins, but not convincingly. On the other hand, Wake isn’t really talented, they’re just well-coached. Maybe that can break the streak. God, do I fucking hope so; they’re going to be insufferable if they beat Wake.

Virginia Tech @ Boston College
This gets default Game-of-the-Week status simply because there are two losses combined between these teams. Do I expect it’ll be worth watching? Fuck no – which is why it’s on ESPN2, because after seven years they still haven’t figured out this conference is fucking terrible football.

ACC Week 5 Games; Florida State Still Sucks Edition

(Disclaimer: ACC football has nothing to do with actual football. Any similarity to what the rest of the world would term as football is simply a bizarre coincidence. The term best used to describe ACC football is “arrhythmic gymnastics of Special Olympics preliminaries quality.”)

Last week was actually – dare I say – a banner week for the ACC, and not in the completely sarcastic fail sense that every other week had been a banner week so far. Instead, NC State actually managed to do something for the first time in years, being on the field when East Carolina beat itself, and Miami went on the road to beat Texas Architecture and Manufacturing, which was a big deal twelve years ago, but we’ll take what we can get. Of course, Florida State ruined it for the rest of us.

Rhode Island @ Boston College
Well, this should be a solid out-of-conference win for Boston College. To be perfectly honest, I’ve barely paid attention to BC this season, and seeing as they’ll likely end up 7-5 and playing in some bowl game that shouldn’t even exist anyway, I’m just going to go ahead and ignore them until they play someone that’s worth making fun of. I’ll get ‘em then.

Virginia @ Duke
Duke is favored in this game. Yes, you read that right. A! C! C! Al Groh is on the laziest hot seat you’ve ever seen in your life, too.

Navy @ Wake Forest
I’ve been saying this every time anyone plays Navy, but it’s not a bad idea to get free scouting. Of course, they play this game right before a bye week, so I guess they can watch the tape or something. Although why anyone would want to watch tape of Wake Forest’s offense of their own accord is beyond me. Jesus. These people are out of their fucking minds.

South Florida @ NC State
NC State gets an opportunity to go 2-0 against teams who beat West Virginia …oh, USF hasn’t played them yet? Oops. Oh well, it’s not like NC State has a shot anyway. I feel like they’re not worth making fun of, but then again, they have a Glennon on the sidelines; it’s their own fault at this point.

North Carolina @ Miami (FL)
Both teams are coming off …well, maybe wins would be too strong a word. But they’re coming off of playing games the previous week, which is about all you can hope for. As for this game, sweet Jesus the game would’ve been bad enough to begin with, but now North Carolina’s lost their starting QB for a month-plus. Fuck. Of course this is the Raycom ACC Game of the Week; I’ll be pulverizing my right hand in a blender if you need me. It’ll hurt less.

Maryland @ Clemson
I’m still floored that both teams in this game are 3-1. Clemson, I kind of expected (although I figured they’d blow it against SC State or something, not against Alabama), but Maryland? Fucking turtles. Really? I can only hope that Clemson runs them over so hard they leave tread marks. Of course, watch Harper get 55 pass attempts as Tommy Bowden attempts to emulate Jon Gruden.

Colorado @ Florida State
I’ve been saving this one up for a while: anyone who even so much as fucking thought about seriously ranking the fucking Seminoles after two fucking wins over 1-goddamn-AA teams, last fucking week was for you. If you thought that the Seminoles had finally gotten someone semi-fucking-competent at quarterback, fuck you – and fuck them, too. INT-INT-INT-INT-INT? Who the fuck do you think you are, Drew Weatherford? There’s only one Drew fucking Weatherford, and you’re shitting the bed on the fucking field while he can shit all over the field way better than your mom can ever fucking dream of, DaVontrey. Don’t ever fucking forget that. Oh, and Colorado better fucking roll.

Virginia Tech @ Nebraska
I guess this game is their marquee game of the week in the ACC, but I can’t help but think that a defensive showdown on ABC at 3:30 that I’m going to get stuck watching instead of some other, actually interesting game. In other words: a) fuck you, ABC; b) I kind of want VA Tech to go 4-8, not out of spite for VA Tech, but just because I’m kind of sick of watching their ’72 Pinto of an offense try and go 40 yards; c) if we gave Nebraska, say, Wake Forest’s jerseys right before kickoff, would you even notice?

ACC Week 4 Games: Because 500 Words on this Shitty Conference Is Overdoing It

(Disclaimer: prolonged exposure to ACC football will result in you thinking the ACC is comprised of teams with lots of good defenses and not the conference that still likely employs Jeff Bowden as OC at seven different schools. Simultaneously.)

Since I’m pretty much out of witty intros at this point, I’ll save it for the previews except for one thought: how in the blue fuck is Florida fucking State ranked?

Clemson v. South Carolina State
I’m glad to see that Clemson is taking a page from the Florida State Book of Scheduling High-Quality opponents. Although SC State is probably a 5-point favorite over NC State at this point. Expect Clemson to give themselves a degree of difficulty and only run the ball 5 times during the entire game.

Maryland v. Eastern Michigan
Yes, Maryland beat Cal last week. If you think I’m giving them any credit or any respect for that … fuck that noise. EMU by 145. Fucking Terps.

NC State v. East Carolina
This is the third stage in East Carolina’s systematic dominance of the mid-South Atlantic seaboard. Expect NC State to offer more resistance than West Virginia, which is approximately offering more resistance than a wet paper bag.

Boston College v. UCF
This game would’ve been awesome last year. Now? Well, we’re sitting around hoping like hell that we don’t have to watch this shit, because this crapass game might be nicer if there was anyone with, well, talent. If you need us, we’ll be over here getting our colon scoped with a rusty steak knife. Fuck it, we’d rather do that than sit through this shit.

Georgia Tech v. Mississippi State
Games like this should be played back in the 1950’s, except there was that whole segregation thing going on. Um…. Yeah. Maybe we can all imagine it’s like the 1950’s, except 3/4ths of the teams are in blackface.

Miami (FL) @ Texas A&M
This is your Cripple Fight of the week. Just in case you didn’t think the Aggies were quite incompetent enough, we’ll add the Miami Special Olympics offense. Toss in some chronically underused Mike Goodman and stay the fuck away.

Virginia Tech @ North Carolina
Apparently this is the second-best game in the ACC this week. I’ll go toss a working toaster into my bathtub now.

Wake Forest @ Florida State
Ladies and Gentlemen, your Game of the Week! And if you’re actually going to subject yourself to watching this shit at 7 PM when there are, oh, 80 games more interesting going on at that time, I hold no respect for your soul and kindly wish you the best.

ACC Week 3 Games - We Only Wish They Had Talent

(Disclaimer: watching ACC football is hazardous to your mental health and eye safety. Left Field Bluffs recommends keeping at least three stations between you and any ACC game at any given time, as god-awful offensive football can strike anywhere, anytime – and if you hurt your eyes we don’t have a Braille version of this site. If you’re unfortunate enough to get the Raycom ACC Game of the Week, LFB suggests drinking so heavily that you go blind. It’s for the best.)

This is the week that the ACC really steps up the level of difficulty: that’s right, they only play one 1-AA team this week! Shockingly, most of the other games are pretty even matchups (NC State / Clemson notwithstanding), meaning that we might actually see some interesting games. Please note the absence of “quality”, “entertaining”, or “exciting” in the previous sentence. (Ed: I thought we removed that line, you dumbass. That’s an aside!)

Florida State v. Chattanooga
Seriously? I mean, I guess ol’ Bobby B’s got to get his wins somehow – and Drew Weatherford has to have a halfway decent completion percentage at some point – but two 1-AA teams in a row is just ridiculous. (Note: Drew likely won't be playing in this game, as he's lost his job to not one, but two, freshmen QBs. It's got to be pretty sad when you're not only bad enough to be replaced as the incumbent starter, but you're replaced by a QB rotation. With freshmen. All I'm saying is that if I was Drew, I'd be lit like a Christmas tree come kickoff.) FSU should take a cue from most other teams and schedule that second 1-AA game for homecoming. Come on, at least TRY and hide the fact you need to go 4-6 against teams with a pulse to become bowl-eligible.

Clemson v. NC State
If Clemson decides to let Jeffy Bowden OC this game, this could be way closer than it has any right to be. However, barring that Tom O’Brien’s Wolfpack squad basically will get to spend 60 minutes chasing the backs of Spiller and Davis and looking good for the Heisman highlight reels. Clemson would be wise to put this game out of reach early. That's code for "45 passes, 12 rushes."

Virginia @ Connecticut
Last year, this game would’ve resulted in literal horseshoes being crapped out at midfield; this season, hopefully both these teams don’t get so fucking lucky. That being said, the Huskies are the more talented team and they’re at home, so they should beat the likely lackluster Virginia squad. If the 4th place Big East team can’t beat a fucking ACC cellar dweller at home, LFB may have to revoke the Big East’s title of Most Loved Conference Everyone Else Shits On. In that case, here we come MAC!

Duke v. Navy
This is an interesting little trial-and-error scheduling game by Duke here; I can’t think Duke’s AD was prescient enough to realize that Georgia Tech and Navy would be running basically the same offense, but now that they are, it’s a nice opportunity to get some free scouting in. Of course, most of the scouting they’ll get in this game will be of the “holy crap, our defense wasn’t designed to stop the run for 35 minutes” variety, and any offensive gains will likely be nullified by the 450 yards Navy’s going to roll up on the ground. As much as I’d love Duke to open 2-1, it won’t happen. That being said, I still expect the articles coming out of Durham to read like poster copy from Little Giants, so we're okay there.

Maryland v. California
Way to go, Terps! Seriously, I’m glad the Terrapins scheduled a game against an actual genius QB coach in Jeff Tedford. Maybe the Fridge can take notes, as Jordan Steffy Chris Turner that dude in the 4th row of the student section leading foes into battle over, say, Nate Longridge is like taking a rusty butter knife into a gun battle. Oh, and Jahvid Best might be the fastest guy Maryland sees all season. Yikes.

North Carolina @ Rutgers
To all those who said North Carolina can challenge for the ACC title: put up or shut up time, motherfuckers. Show you can hang with one of the better Big East teams and we’ll start to think about what you can do in your own conference. Get blown out and we’ll pencil the Tar Heels in for 6-6. The choice – much like Choose Your Own Adventure – is your own, Chapel Hill. Choose wisely. If UNC is able to win this game outright, this might be the best ACC non-conference win of the season, which is pretty depressing if you think about it too hard.

Virginia Tech v. Georgia Tech
This game could be either the Stupidly Entertaining Game of the Week or 60 Minutes of Fan Hell; shit, it could be both. It all depends on how well the Yellow Jackets execute their offense and if Virginia Tech can figure out a way to stop it. Either way, Virginia Tech on offense = sleep.

ACC Week 2 Games: Believe it or not, the ACC Is Still a FBS Conference

(Disclaimer: Chris drew the short straw and got stuck writing about the god-awful football abomination known as the ACC. If you’re actually a fan of any of these teams and/or enjoy watching these guys play, we at Left Field Bluffs kindly suggest shock therapy.)

After spending most of Week 1 getting their respective teeth kicked in, the ACC decided as a collective to lower the degree of difficulty. True, most teams are in action, but we see a total of 5 (!) 1-AA opponents roll onto the schedule. Alabama gets replaced with The Citadel, East Carolina gets replaced with Furman, USC gets replaced with Richmond, and (t)USC gets replaced with William & Mary. Good show. Presumably the conference will improve their winning percentage, although since we do have an in-conference game it’s guaranteed that at least one ACC team will win against a 1-A team. Who had week 2 in the pool?

Clemson v. The Citadel
Presumably Clemson will roll out the first ever non-QB formation as punishment for not running the fucking ball at all against a defense that has no freaking linebackers whatsoever. Seriously, what the fuck? It’s that kind of incompetence I’ve come to expect from Florida State, not early-season Clemson. Of course, it won’t matter here if Clemson decides to actually shit on the field during play.

Virginia v. Richmond (-3)
Okay, so Richmond really isn’t favored here, but you had to think about that for a second, didn’t you? Admit it. This game will be about as useful as the USC game for determining how good Virginia actually is; I’ll give the Cavaliers the benefit of the doubt and assume they have more talent than a 1-AA team nicknamed the Spiders. That being said, I wouldn’t be too surprised at a total fail here.

NC State v. William & Mary (-4.5)
In case NC State didn’t look bad enough last week, now we get to watch them (likely) struggle against a William & Mary team apparently named the Tribe. Who knew? They should win, but …ehhhhh. We’ll have to see.

Virginia Tech v. Furman
Okay, this time I’m reasonably confident that the ACC team will be favored to win here, as bad as the Hokies looked against ECU. Bonus points: not only is one of the prominent colors of Furman purple, they are actually named Furman University. That’s right, who’s ready to turn 12? It’s a shame they can’t play South Carolina. As for this game, I suspect it’ll border on hideous game quality with Virginia Tech winning by 17 or so. That qualifies as a blowout.

Florida State v. Directional (West) Carolina
Not content to open the season with just a bye week, Florida State has also scheduled two 1-AA opponents in a row. Western Carolina is the first of them; presumably after these two games Drew Weatherford (now entering his 14th year of eligibility) will have a completion percentage around, oh, 65%. This will give him a buffer to suck for the rest of the season.

Maryland @ Middle Tennessee State
I have no idea how MTSU conned Maryland into doing a home-and-home series. This will be a huge step up in difficulty for the Terrapins, who go from struggling to beat a 1-AA team to playing a Sun Belt team on the road. The good news for them is that the field quality between MTSU and Maryland is approximately equal, so that part won’t be different for them. Actually, I wouldn’t be too surprised if MTSU wins this game, as Maryland has a pretty craptastic offense and Sun Belt teams have sneakily good offenses (to go with crazy bad defenses). I like MTSU in a mild upset, but I also have a big-ass disdain for Maryland football, so keep that in mind.

Miami (FL) @ Florida
I love the scheduling choice / decision to head up to the Swamp; I don’t love the inevitable teeth-kicking that will result. I don’t think Miami has much of a shot to actually win the game, but watch for improvement in schemes; if the offense can at least look competent against the Florida D, the Hurricanes could be in good shape in-conference. The defense has no shot, but that’s okay – not many defenses do. If Miami can keep it within three scores (without Florida letting up), then they’re in good shape.

Duke v. Northwestern
Duke aims for two wins in a row – both period and against Northwestern. I’m not sure how they won the game last year, but this Duke team is much improved. It’ll be interesting to see how they fare against a quality opponent, even if we have to at least consider adding air quotes around quality. This could be the ACC’s version of the Bizarrely Entertaining Game of the Week. I’d love it if Duke won, but I’m not too sure it’ll actually happen, as I’m sure Northwestern has had this game circled on their calendar for days. If this game was in Week 10, I’d feel better about picking Duke, but now? I’m not so sure.

Wake Forest v. Ole Miss
Holy cow, it’s actually two teams with talent! After the shit-kicking Alabama laid on Clemson, it wouldn’t surprise me too much if Ole Miss wins this; however, I’d much rather see Wake Forest take this game to at least kind of restore some dignity to the ACC …..oh, who am I kidding? Rebels by 28! That being said, this game is the front-runner for the coveted 60 Minutes of Fan Hell award of the week. The real winner of this game will be anyone who bought advertising, as they’ll get their money’s worth due tot the sheer quantity of punts likely to occur.

Boston College v. Georgia Tech
This is going to be an interesting in-conference tuneup for Georgia Tech, as Boston College is kind of a poor man’s Virginia Tech this year. I suspect that the Yellow Jackets will be able to mostly do what they want on offense, provided they can get out of their own way. Boston College is in a similar boat, trying to adapt the offense to their new QB. I wouldn’t recommend watching this game, although if you’re the type of person who likes watching ACC football (and self-immolation), this would be your Game o’th’ Week.